Expert: Mistress Violette - 5/5/2009

Question
I have a bit of an issue. I have been a submissive all my life but it wasn't pointed out to me until nine years ago and ever since then it's all I am (of course I have to alter my personality when I'm at work or at church). But my problem is, when I first engaged in BDSM I had no idea that the self proclaimed Dom I was dealing with really didn't know what he was doing. I was forbidden to have a safe word, question him on things I didn't fully understand, and express to him that I wasn't ready for something regardless of how respectful I was. Now that I am no longer apart of that nonsense, I'm in a relationship with a very loving "vanilla" man who is interested in D/s however I don't know how to explain to him the things that I enjoy. Also I really don't think that he would want to be my Top do to the fact that he is apposed to hitting women outside of spanking and handcuffs. But we have talked about me having a Dominate to interact with and act out my deepest fantasies. However, I’m worried about finding to right Dom for me and also how to keep things in prospective emotionally. Because I would want a Dom who is affectionate, One I can come to if need be, and who WILL put me in my place when necessary. I wouldn’t know the first place to look for TRUE Dominate, the first and last time was through me corresponding with a man off of the website alt.com and that didn’t turn out so well. Also, learning how I would go about juggling without jumbling my wants, needs, and desires in with my everyday life.

Worried in Maryland
                 Thank you

Answer
Hello, Erica,

I commend you on recognizing you were in a relationship that wasn't safe, sane and consensual and for getting out of it. You seem to know what qualities a dominant shouldn't have and that's not too far from knowing the ones he should have. I guess I'm wondering why you think you need to look outside your relationship for those qualities, however. Your partner is interested in BDSM but you haven't been able to tell him what you want. Maybe encouraging him to explore his interest might be beneficial. It could turn out he's exactly the person you want, you just might have to give him some time to catch up with you in terms of knowledge and experience. The other advantage to encouraging him to learn is that, if it comes to you having an outside relationship, he will have a better understanding of the dynamics, which will help him be more comfortable with it. Before you go to much farther in your search for a dominant, I suggest you look at who you already have. To get him started, here are some good informational sites:
http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Power_exchange/
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://www.domsubfriends.com/library/artofsm.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/  

It wouldn't be a bad idea for you to check out those sites, too. If you decide to pursue a secondary relationship, finding the right dominant for you depends on you knowing your own wants, understanding some common practices and values, and being able to assess the prospective dominant's skills and knowledge. Just think, had you known more about BDSM when you started your previous relationship you might never have gotten into it. You've learned since then but the more you know, the better your chances of finding a competent, compatible dominant.

Please consider joining a group if you find yourself looking for a dominant outside your relationship. There are online only groups, off line only groups and groups that are a combination of both. Even if you're more comfortable interacting online, select a group that also has an offline component. That way you'll know you're not interacting with people whose play is fantasy only. Use the group both to gain knowledge and to make friends. Through friends is one of the best ways to find a partner. Find a group by doing a search on "BDSM support groups."

If you decide on a secondary relationship, you and your primary partner need to establish rules before you even begin your search. These can be anything from the amount of time you spend with your secondary partner to limits on the activities you engage in with him. The rules are there to protect your primary relationship, help your primary partner feel secure, and to let prospective partners know up front what the boundaries are.

It will be a balancing act, Erica, and it can take a lot of effort. That's one reason I wanted to be sure you gave your primary partner  every chance at the role before looking elsewhere. Many people do manage to successfully maintain two relationships, so that is an option. Be very clear what, and who, your priorities are and protect your primary relationship. Being submissive doesn't mean a dominant can ignore the rules of your primary relationship or jeopardize your vanilla life. Essentially, you'll need common sense and confidence in yourself. You seem well on the way with both and I wish you the best, whichever route you select.

Mistress Violette