Expert: Master Shadow - 5/4/2009

Question
Hello Master Shadow,

I want to start by saying "Thank you" to you and all your colleagues on this site for all the great advice, Internet sites and information for people like me that are new to this kind of lifestyle. It has helped me understand the do's and don'ts' of the lifestyle. I know that I need to continue to do research because I want to become the best Master I can be for my slave. I met her over 3 years ago over the Internet and was introduced to the lifestyle from her. She has been a submissive for many years now and she has chosen me as her Master. I really do appreciate the power and trust she has given me and I want to show her how happy this makes me by being the best Master I can be. We have never met in person and I want to make our first meeting the best it can possibly be. The question I have is she finds pleasure in pain and has told me that in past relationships she was in she didn't need a safe word because she was able to handle it all and that she has no boundaries. This excites me and at the same time worries me because I want to be able to test these boundaries but first and foremost I want to make sure my slave is ok and safe while doing so. So if you have any advice or Internet sites I may go to to learn more about this that would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks again,
Master B

Answer
Congratulations, and welcome to the Lifestyle. You're in for an exciting time!

As far as the question goes, open, honest communications on both parts can work wonders towards learning a new slave/sub in a bdsm relationship. Remember, though, it is a two way street, and she will need time to learn You as well. Both sides will be nervous, and are bound to make mistakes, but relax through it, and try to laugh at those silly mistakes, as they happen to everyone.

Don't just jump right into play when Y/you first meet, but rather talk, and get to know each other more, in person. Get to know each other's personalities, what each likes, and dislikes. Also get to the important stuff, like what E/each of Y/you EXPECT from this relationship. Make sure both sets of expectations are realistic as well. This keeps disappointments to a minimum, and helps things to move along smoothly.

During play, check with Your slave periodically, making sure things are ok with her, before continuing the scene. This kind of contact makes people closer, and builds trust. As far as safe words, tell her that You'd still prefer it if she had one, whether or not she ever uses it.

As for her boundaries, approach these somewhat slowly, watching her for her reactions. You should be able to tell by her body language whether or not something is too intense during a scene, and adjust from there. As to becoming "the best", I would suggest attending a few events where there are classes, such as Sinsations in Leather, or Kinky Kollege, where there are experienced Dominants as well as slaves to ask questions of, and learn from. These are not only informative, but also a lot of fun, as play parties usually occur during these events.

I wish You well in Your journey into the Lifestyle, and wish B/both of Y/you the best.



                                         SINcerely in Leather,
                                         Master Shadow.