Expert: arani_CsA - 5/27/2009

Question
My girlfriend and I are currently looking at ownership status but our problem is we are both switchers. We usually base dominance on each others mood, I'm usually dominant and we aren't sure if a Dom/Sub is a good thing because we constantly switch. We aren't sure where to go in this situation since one person is not always the Dom or the Sub. Please help!

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your question.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

You do present quite a sticky problem here, but there may be a way to make it work.  However, it would almost certainly involve bringing additional people into your relationship.

In a Dom/sub relationship, one person is always dominant with regards to the other person(s) in that relationship.  However, it is not at all uncommon for a submissive to enjoy playing the dominant.  And, so, a second submissive is brought into the household to serve as the first sub's play-toy.  By inference, the dominant also has total control over this second submissive.  I know of several households that are set up similarly, and everyone gets along wonderfully.

If you decide that you would prefer a Master/slave relationship, then there are things that you can do as well.  My own Master and I have some dear friends who are two dominants married to each other.  They own a couple (also married to each other) who serve as slaves to the first couple.  The dominant woman is submissive to her husband, but dominant over both slaves.  

Another common variation of an M/s relationship is for the Master to own two or more slaves, and then to give one slave dominance over the others.  I served this role for a previous Master, and basically had charge of the training and management of my Owner's other slaves.  This included punishment rights, however major infractions were usually reported to the Master for him to handle.  

One problem with all of the above scenarios is that the dominant is always dominant.  The primary submissive or slave may be able to exert a certain degree of dominance over the other subs or slaves, but never over the dominant.  However, there may yet be a way around this.  The answer would be for the dominant to enter into an arrangement with another dominant, which would allow him to fulfill his occasional need to serve.  However, this arrangement would have to be completely removed from the household in which he serves as dominant.  If any of his subs or slaves were to see him in a submissive role, or even just know that he is occasionally submissive, that would endanger any control that he has over them.  (Or, he could occasionally use the services of a professional Domme.)

The important thing to remember, here, is that ownership is a binding relationship -- just like a marriage.  Most people who enter into such a relationship intend to be in that relationship for a very long time.  Of course, marriages do end in divorce and D/s and M/s relationships do end in release, but that usually isn't the original intention of those involved.  

There is one other possibility here.  You and your girlfriend could enter into a temporary contract, which would mean that for the period of one week or one month or one year (or some other time frame), you will serve as dominant and she as your submissive.  Then, at the end of that time, the two of you can re-negotiate your contract so that the reverse is true.  But, this pretty much takes any kind of spontanaity out of the picture.  You have to stay the dominant for as long as you have agreed to do so.

I do want to say that there's nothing wrong with role-playing an ownership scenario for just as long as it takes to enact a particular scene.  (I hope that, for the purposes of safety and consensuality, the two of you are negotiating what will happen during a given scene, and are not acting totally off the top of your head.)  So, on a particular night your girlfriend could play the part of a meek and willing slave-girl to your barbarian Master.  Or you could play the part of a toilet slave to her ruthless Mistress.  The only limitations here would be those of your imagination.

Not everyone who is a part of the BDSM lifestyle wants to own or be owned.  There are many who are perfectly content to play the Top or bottom, as the mood strikes them, and no one else thinks any the less of them.  The key here is that you represent yourself honestly and fairly, to your partner as well as to others you may encounter.

I hope I've given you a lot to think about, without confusing you too much.  If you have any other questions, feel free to contact me again.  Good luck, and have fun.  But, most of all, be safe and respect your partner.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius