Expert: Oscar G. - 5/29/2009

Question
Hi, thankyou for taking the time to read my question. approx a year ago i met
a guy who things just clicked with immediately.  i knew he was in to
domination and i had just discovered my own submissive tendencys so there
were no secrets.  we dated for a while then drifted a part due to things
happening in both of our lives, on my part i was aware of how i did not want
to get hurt by becoming attached which it was hard not to.
about four months ago we met up again.  Things have always been very easy
between us and this time have progressed more emotinaly too. . . however he
is keen to experiment more which i am more than happy with. The problem is
that i dont know what it is i should suggest.  I know he feels i am just to
embarresed to share with him my fantasys but this is not the case.  my
problem is i just dont know! he currently restrains me using leather cuffs and
chain and whatever his imagination will allow and he enjoys using the whip
and his hand on me. He also enjoys nipple torture. Where can i research real
ideas? also . . . and sorry to be so long winded . . but  sometimes i wish i
knew how to deal with some of the pain better. at the end of one of our
sessions i am black accross my thighs and bottom and this gives me such a
buzz. . i even enjoy the way it hurts when i have to sit opposite in a restarant
with him but i want to get the best out of all we do and need to know how i
can better myself from here.
 Anything would be most gratefully appreciated

j  

Answer
Dear Jenny:

Experimentation is seeing what suits you best, in my opinion. And you have just started. You will find your limits change and shift since you are a newcomer. And he is showing you the ropes, so to speak. But just because you are submissive does not mean you should be quiet or not express yourself.  Specially concerning limits. You may get a buzz from the pain in some levels, but you dislike smarts or  marks and bruises. That, you should talk with your partner and reach a happy medium.
As i said, just because you are submissive does not mean you just take it without any feedback. If you cannot find your ideas, you have to step back and think what YOU enjoy. Are you doing all this just to please you, or does it really excite you on its own? Is there some activities you like best than others? are there others things you want to try that you have not had the chance?

Use your own inner fantasies. That is the best way to find your path.
The darker the better, and i am sure sharing them would help you reach the activities and stuff you really appreciate and enjoy. If you cannot find them, read books on the topic. BDSM, porn, erotic literature, whatever fills your fancy. You follow what satisfies you. And eventually share with your partner. And if you feel uncomfortable with some of the levels of his activities you HAVE to express your limits. One cannot go zero to 60 in a second flat. You need conditioning and gradual increases. But also if you  find bruises a hard limit  tell him so. If he is creative and skilled he will find way for sensual pain without marks.

The Internet and amazon.com are filled with websites and book in specific topics of BDSM. BDSM in general could cover  a few of your concerns, while others are more about fun ideas or practices. But it all comes down to following your own inner fantasies. And if you need to foster and grow that, read and let your imagination Play.  It is supposed to be fun after al, it is supposed to be about pleasure and satisfaction.

I hope this. Be well  and be safe.
Oscar G.