Expert: Robert Rubel - 5/5/2009

Question
I have a bit of an issue. I have been a submissive all my life but it wasn't pointed out to me until nine years ago and ever since then it's all I am (of course I have to alter my personality when I'm at work or at church). But my problem is, when I first engaged in BDSM I had no idea that the self proclaimed Dom I was dealing with really didn't know what he was doing. I was forbidden to have a safe word, question him on things I didn't fully understand, and express to him that I wasn't ready for something regardless of how respectful I was. Now that I am no longer apart of that nonsense, I'm in a relationship with a very loving "vanilla" man who is interested in D/s however I don't know how to explain to him the things that I enjoy. Also I really don't think that he would want to be my Top do to the fact that he is apposed to hitting women outside of spanking and handcuffs. But we have talked about me having a Dominate to interact with and act out my deepest fantasies. However, I’m worried about finding to right Dom for me and also how to keep things in prospective emotionally. Because I would want a Dom who is affectionate, One I can come to if need be, and who WILL put me in my place when necessary. I wouldn’t know the first place to look for TRUE Dominate, the first and last time was through me corresponding with a man off of the website alt.com and that didn’t turn out so well. Also, learning how I would go about juggling without jumbling my wants, needs, and desires in with my everyday life.

Worrier in Maryland
                   Thank you

Answer
Dear Worrier,

In my experience, alt.com is home more to "Internet Doms and subs" than real-time Doms/subs.  There is a vast, vast difference.  I would suggest that you register (free) on Fetlife (www.fetlife.com).  When you write your profile, you can express what you're looking for.

If you're near D.C., I'd urge you to start attending courses and parties at Black Rose.  Just do an Internet search and you'll find it immediately.  It's one of the largest BDSM groups in the country.  If you're not near DC, then do an Internet search for "BDSM" and then the name of your nearest large city.

In my book, Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice, I outline "warning signs" about red flags with a Dom.  Unfortunately, you've hit on many of those points describing your first experience with a Dom.

The surest way to find a good Dom is to be in a kink group and check out his reputation with ladies who have played with him.  As a general rule, unless he has been in the Community for 3+ years, he probably doesn't know very much.  The world of kink is a full-blown subculture with rules and protocols of behavior.

I would suggest that you consider involving your current guy with some of the intro classes, at least.  Also, pick up some books on the subject --  "When Someone you Know is Kinky" and "Sensual Magic" come to mind.  Also, "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns."  This last is often the first book someone buys when interested in kink.

I wish you the best on your personal quest.  It's worth it.

Dr. Bob