Expert: ziggy ziegler - 5/4/2009

Question
Ok, I'm 22 and I've been with my boyfriend for four years
and we've had anal sex off and on throughout those four
years.  In the past, he's shown a little bit of aggression
in the sense that seems to enjoy it when I resist or
painfully moan. He's accidentally let things slip sometimes
like saying hog tied or ball gag out loud on two separate
occasions. I don't think he knows I know these little
phrases and sexual habits are hinting at something bigger.
He's even fishooked me during sex before and although I did
not enjoy it and he stopped, in a bit of research I found
that this was a type of gag/binding. I love him very much,
but I'm not one to be dominated. I don't like the idea of
playing an infantile submissive and it kind of freaks me
out to be gagged. It also forms a sort of dissonance in me,
because I suspect he looks at BDSM porn and I don't care
that he looks at porn... but I know pornographic BDSM and
it's real life applications are two different things. I
worry because BDSM porn depicts women as slaves, cum
dumpsters and submissive bitches.  It also worries me as a
well educated young woman and his prospective wife that he
will develop these thought patterns of hatred towards women
and that I will help him so to speak by acting the part. It
doesn't really bother me to be bound and I would do almost
anything to please him sexually, except be referred to as a
cum dumpster and have my nipples stapled to a piece of
wood. Surely you can see my point? If his sexual behaviors
continue is it appropriate to ask him about it? He displays
aggression only occasionally. How do you know when it's
okay to bring it up? Are most people who fantasize about
this open about it? What is a good way I can indulge his
fantasies and the desire to be dominant without
compromising myself or our life together? I don't want to
secretly resent him or for this to cause problems when we
get married. Thank you!

Answer
Hello there Lisa
Thank you for the question. Admittedly I had to take a moment to really think about the best way to answer your questions. I think these are questions that are asked a lot when people are discovering their kinky side or who have partners who are discovering their kinky side.
Looking at porn or pornographic material is often one of the first ways people get to see the possibilities of what could be.
There are two main areas with regards to dominance and submission; that which is found in the bedroom and D/s as part of the relationship dynamic. Within your relationship they can co exist or not. Some just want what goes on in the bedroom and not in the relationship or vise versa. No matter how this plays out for the both of you, I recommend talking about it and what it means. More importantly what it doesn't mean and that the porn is great but it may not fit what is comfortable for you.
I have been in this type of relationship since the early 80s and what I found is that play acting is ok but how that makes you feel is also very important. I feel that within even the sexual activities and role plays the goal should always be for the fulfillment of both people. If you enjoy being bound or spanked until you cum that is one thing but if being considered a cum slut bucket doesn't do anything for you than that should be negotiated.  You can only negotiate if you both are willing to talk. Most people understand that what they see in porn is very different than what can actually acted out.
I have done some pretty extreme things in my time but even I have limits to what I am willing to do with any partner and there is certainly nothing wrong with having your limits
I personally would recommend approaching it from a place that you are curious about things.  You could do a little research on your own by googling  “BDSM” just get an idea about what you are approaching him with
Might I also recommend that after sex, when you both have enjoyed yourselves you might want to talk about what activities you really like that will help him to open up the lines of communication.
Communication is hugely important, its also very difficult because there may be a lot of shame around liking alternative sex practices. Bear in mind that although he may be fascinated by some of what he sees in the images and films chances are unlikely that the more extreme will actually be something he would want to do.
Bottom line hun is that communicating is going to be your best tool. I think you will find that when you are able to share how you feel about this in an open and accepting way it will allow him to do the same. Perhaps, even make you two closer and more sexually fulfilled.
Please feel free to ask follow up questions you may have
Warmest regards and best wishes
Slave ziggy