Expert: Mistress Violette - 5/4/2009

Question
Ok, I'm 22 and I've been with my boyfriend for four years

and we've had anal sex off and on throughout those four

years. In the past, he's shown a little bit of aggression

in the sense that seems to enjoy it when I resist or

painfully moan. He's accidentally let things slip sometimes

like saying hog tied or ball gag out loud on two separate

occasions. I don't think he knows I know these little

phrases and sexual habits are hinting at something bigger.

He's even fishooked me during sex before and although I did

not enjoy it and he stopped, in a bit of research I found

that this was a type of gag/binding. I love him very much,

but I'm not one to be dominated. I don't like the idea of

playing an infantile submissive and it kind of freaks me

out to be gagged. It also forms a sort of dissonance in me,

because I suspect he looks at BDSM porn and I don't care

that he looks at porn... but I know pornographic BDSM and

it's real life applications are two different things. I

worry because BDSM porn depicts women as slaves, cum

dumpsters and submissive bitches. It also worries me as a

well educated young woman and his prospective wife that he

will develop these thought patterns of hatred towards women

and that I will help him so to speak by acting the part. It

doesn't really bother me to be bound and I would do almost

anything to please him sexually, except be referred to as a

cum dumpster and have my nipples stapled to a piece of

wood. Surely you can see my point? If his sexual behaviors

continue is it appropriate to ask him about it? He displays

aggression only occasionally. How do you know when it's

okay to bring it up? Are most people who fantasize about

this open about it? What is a good way I can indulge his

fantasies and the desire to be dominant without

compromising myself or our life together? I don't want to

secretly resent him or for this to cause problems when we

get married. Thank you!

Answer
Hello, Jacky,

If your boyfriend is getting his ideas of what BDSM is from BDSM oriented porn, it's no wonder you're uncomfortable and a little concerned. Healthy, competent heterosexual male dominants don't hate women, just as healthy, competent heterosexual female dominants don't hate men. BDSM as practiced by well adjusted people is a beneficial, happy relationship between, or among, people who enjoy complementary activities. Porn is meant to titillate, however; so it skips over the relationship building and negotiation aspects of relationship oriented BDSM and goes right to the physical, some of which looks demeaning and like hatred. What the porn doesn't tell people is that there are strong, independent men and women who find it satisfying to be used and labeled in out of the ordinary ways - in a safe, sane and consensual relationship handled with care and respect. Also, while some BDSM is extreme, many relationships are not, but you don't see much silk scarf bondage or loving BDSM in porn. If you boyfriend knows what he knows about BDSM only from porn, you're right, he wouldn't have a good idea of real life applications and it's reasonable for you to have hesitations.

Quite often when a partner is doing what your boyfriend is doing, adding isolated instances of BDSM play to vanilla sex, it's because he's trying to gauge how open his partner might be to more play. Considering how often he's done this, and your mostly positive reactions, he should have brought the subject up for discussion by now, however. It's possible he's hoping for a BDSM relationship to develop with no discussion or negotiation but it just could be he's waiting to hear your thoughts. Please consider taking the initiative to open the discussion. I suspect he'd be relieved if you told him you wanted to talk about this.

First, though, you need to decide what you want. Are you attracted to power exchange at all? You don't want to be dominated. Would you like to be dominant or to switch between dominance and submission? Sometimes people select a role because they think they have to, not because it's the one they're really drawn to. If you're not attracted to this type of play, get clear in your mind what you're willing to do for his satisfaction and what you don't like and won't do. Then decide what other types of play you enjoy that you would like from him in return. Once you know what you can give and want to get back, you can sit your boyfriend down for an honest discussion on what will work for both of you in the relationship. It's best to get this out in the open so your play will be genuinely fulfilling and so that no one is enduring something just to make the other happy.

To help you decide what you might enjoy and, to smooth the path if you decide to proceed into BDSM as a couple, your best bet is information. Here are web sites, with a variety of perspectives, that you might find helpful:
http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Power_exchange/
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.akashaweb.com/
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://www.domsubfriends.com/library/artofsm.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/  

It may end up that you just spice up vanilla with the odd bit of kink now and then or it could be more. Either way, you'll have learned something, about BDSM and about each other. I wish you good luck and fun in the process!

Mistress Violette