Expert: Robert Rubel - 6/4/2009

Question
Hey, I just asked a question but didn't want to ask too much at once. The question was:

"Hey I was wondering about collaring...

See I'm in a Master/slave relationship with my girlfriend and have been for about 6 months (we've been going out for 2 years but only recently got into the lifestyle. Our whole relationship has been online but we are moving to see each other very soon. I have sent her a "collar" already to wear constantly as it is a beautiful necklace-looking collar and passes with complete ease in vanilla situations.

I now want to get her a new collar to wear around the house when we are together and when she is alone, a more "slave-looking" collar, but reading so much information on collaring I have become so confused.

I have the problem that there's different types of collars I like, such as ones with 3 rings and ones with spikes, etc but the most attractive ones to me are the leather ones with a single ring to attach a leash to. This is the type I would most like to see her wearing often.

My main question is should I get as many collars as I feel like? Or should I limit my collars to only a few? Or should I limit how many proper slave collars (as in ones she will wear constantly eg. her public collar and actual slave collar) and then have as many as I want for play?

I ask because while of course as a Dominant I want to make the decisions of what I do with Me and My slave, it is My decisions to ensure she feels properly owned, and to make sure that the collar feels like the symbol of ownership that it should. I feel like too many collars would make each collar seem like just another toy or an accessory that has no more meaning than a pair of sexy panties.

Thank you very, very much for your help.

Warmest regards, Laurence."

I just had another question in regards to that same question...

Would collaring my slave with the new collar be alright now, or would it be better to wait until we are together and more formally collar her with a proper slave collar myself, or is that simply up to me?

Thanks again for all your help.

Best wishes, Laurence.

Answer
You ask nice questions.

The most common recommendation by an older Master/Dom to a younger one is: take it slowly.

A full collar is essentially the same as a wedding band.  The slave has surrendered authority over herself to you in exchange for your commitment to take care of her emotional, educational, health, psychological financial....wellbeing.  That's a lot of responsibility.  In exchange, she has given up the authority over herself to tell you "no."  Again, I go over this a lot in my books.

So, to your question about staged collaring.  In the case of slave mindi, I gave her a series of collars as she grew into the position.  That is, as she learned more and more about how to serve me -- still under a training contract -- I would get her another collar.  Once I determined that I could live for at least the next 10 years with the woman, I offered her a permanent collar.  But I'm 64.  We've been together about six years.

I distinguish between any collar leading up to a permanent collar this way.  In the earlier collars, the slave may take the collar off at any time for about any reason.  No foul; no consequences.  Once you've placed a permanent collar on a slave, if she removes it, she has  terminated the relationship.  Similarly, if you remove it, you've just released her.

Now, another topic that you may wish to consider is that of offering her a training contract.  In the Leather culture (more than in the BDSM culture) relationships are governed by two documents: a contract and a Manual of Protocols.  The contract is rather like the the Articles of Incorporation for a company; the Manual of Protocols is rather like the by-laws of that company.  So: you're likely to keep the same contract regardless of the slave you're with -- as it represents your fundamental values and requirements of the slave.  However, different slaves have different purposes, and you may find that you end up with more than one.  Each would have a different kind of protocol manual.  Again, one of my books deals with this exclusively.  

By the way, that book IS slave mindi's protocol manual, only slightly sanitized for publication.  If slave mindi were ever released and another slave petitioned me for a position, I would simply had them that book and say: "This is how to live with me.  You want to take that deal?"

Hope this helps.

Bob