Expert: Robert Rubel - 6/22/2009

Question
I have a Daddy's Little Girl fetish.  To make a long story short, I want my husband to discipline me FOR REAL anytime, anyplace, talk to me sternly, spank me, etc.  Bt I'll start from the beginning and give deetails.  I told my husband about my fetish for being spanked while we were still dating,  I gradually worked up the nerve to tell him I wanted him to spank me, and it was something wonderful that began!  It felt so good!  I loved it so much!  He took me over his knee, pulled back my dress, and spanked me with his hand through my tights.  I wasn't wearing underwear, and this was before we started having sex, and it added to the thrill that he could see and feel my bum through my innocent little tights.  After the long, hard spanking, he pulled my dress back in place covering back over my bum, and it felt so intimate and tender, like he was a Daddy to me.  I soon connected what I wanted and eventually told him I wanted him to REALLY be my Daddy.  He was fine with it for a while.  He'd hold me in his arms, me curled up on his lap while he sat in his recliner, and he'd whisper in my ear, "I love you so much...  You're such a good little girl..."  When we started having sex (I waited til we married cuz I was a virgin) it hurt my poon but he was gentle although he got off on my pain, which I have to admit is a turn on for me.  He would bring the Daddy stuff into sex, which I thought was hot sometimes because I just wanted the attention, but sometimes I just wanted to be Daddy's innocent little girl.  I do want him to seriously spank me as in forced discipline.  I want him to be forceful, yet still tender and nurturing when I want.  I don't know what's going on with me.  I want these things so bad.  He likes me to wear pigtails and said that when he's trying to cum, he imagines me as a little girl in pigtails.  That makes me happy.  I'm afraid the Daddy's Little Girl and spanking days may have to be put aside for a while, though.  My husband has PTSD related to childhood sexual and physical abuse and incest, and lately bad associations have been coming up for him.  As far as the spanking thing, we kind of kept escalating from his hand (he has HUGE, sexy Daddy hands) to his belt, to finally, one time we went really crazy and used a cane sword.  Something happened., he kind of went midevil on my ass and got angry, but I was beyond drunk and didn't feel or register any pain, only ecstasy of intense attention from him.  He felt horrified because it left a huge, dark bruise and welts all over my butt cheek.  I didn't even care, I wasn't mad, I didn't feel harmed, but he told me that now it hurts him to spank me.  I don't know what to do.  Recently, I cried during sex, sobbing that I love him so much, and I felt like that helped satisfy my need for emotional vulnerability and honesty that I associate with being Daddy's Little Girl.  And my husband said I want him to dominate me, and we can do that in other ways.  I just feel so wistful...  My husband's southern, so he used to say things like "Mind me," and one time when I was being loud and I guess annoying to him in a restaurant, he said that if I were really his kid, he'd drag me into the bathroom and give me a spanking.  I told him to do it.  He didn't.  The thing is, I'd LOVE to be controlled and disciplined and spanked and spoken to sternly like I'm Daddy's Little Girl, FOR REAL, all those things, forced on me.  I love my husband so much.  I just don't know what to do about what I want, and, considering HIS recent feelings about it, I don't know how to expect my desires to be fulfilled.  He still likes me in pigtails and buys me stuffed animals and wants to build me a shelf to put them on, and when I told him I had a dream thast I was a kid and we were together, he responded with "You ARE a kid!"  We've always agreed I'm a kid inside, even before all the wild fun stuff.  I guess there's hope for age play and kinky things, most of which I have yet to discover (much to my frustration!  I wish I could just know all the answers!)  And judging to male responses to a girl's Daddy's Little Girl fetish blog (like one guy said he got hard reading it and many guys offered to be her Daddy) I'm getting the sense that there's something to the innocent, vulnerable little girl who can be forced to do what Daddy, or the guy in control, directs.  Oh God how badly I want that!!!  I don't want to just jump in the lap of some guy who'll play the role I desire.  I'm already in love with my husband.  I want HIS love and all kinds of his attention.  And I KNOW he loves me, and we love each other.  Once he said if I were really his daughter, he wouldn't spank me.  I know he sees me as the one pure thing in his life; he's told me so.  Maybe he's just trying to protect me and set me apart from anything he perceives as harmful or less than I deserve or something.  Well, I'm confused yet hopeful.  I hope you can help me understand, get some direction, know what to do.  Thanks!  -Jennifer

Answer
Jennifer,

Please pardon the delay in replying to you.  I've been out of the country for a bit over two weeks.

Your question has a number of elements.  Let me try to tease them apart.

Within my world, what you are asking for is called "domestic discipline."  It's a kink in its own right.  You may wish to do Internet or Amazon searches on it.

Another aspect of your kink is that you wish to live in a 24/7 Daddy/girl structure.  Again, you have lots of company and you can easily find groups (e-Groups and/or local groups) who enjoy this structure.  Typically, a Daddy/girl structure is part of the Dominance/submission (D/s) lifestyle. Daddy/girl differs slightly because the girl can be bratty and need to be disciplined by her stern Daddy.

To find others with similar interests/kinks, you might do an Internet search for "BDSM clubs XCV) where XCV = the name of your city.

Your wish to be spanked tells me that you are what's called a "spanko."  Those are people who get erotic thrills from being spanked.  One of my partners is a spanko and I've attended a few spanko parties with her.  She's very active in the San Antonio group.  There is an entire subculture out there of people like you.  One of the main websites is www.shadowlane.com  Again, try an Internet search for spanking societies (or spanko) and your city.  For example, the Crescent Moon group is in Chicago, SASSY is the San Antonio Spanking Society, Bottoms Up is in Dallas.

The national spanko convention is held in Las Vegas every spring.

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Once you escalate beyond the hand, you're entering the world of BDSM -- bondage/discipline; dominance/submission; sado-masochism.  You should have no trouble finding a club in your city.  Most clubs offer education and safety instruction about belts, canes, floggers, whips, etc.  There are loads of national conferences that offer entire weekends of training in this arena.  Again, search for "BDSM events."

Concerning your husband's landmines; that's a concern.  Also, that he got angry during a scene is a concern.  You might wish to find a kink-friendly therapist in your community who can work with him or both of you.  You can go onto the website of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and look at their "kink-friendly therapist" list.  I would also suggest that you consider consulting an NLP (Neuro-linguist Programming) coach.  For most PTSD issues, they can resolve them very quickly without the need for extended sessions.  (I'm an certified NLP practitioner.)

Concerning the bruises on your butt.  If you explore this area at all, you'll find that you should absolutely not be using drugs or alcohol during play -- it's too dangerous, and that heavy bruising (lasting over a week) is more the rule than the exception.  But he needs to learn where NOT to hit you (think kidneys and above your crack).

Concerning his reaction that it hurts him to hurt you -- as you both learn more about BDSM (try reading: Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns and "Different Loving" and such) you'll both realize that there is "good pain" and "bad pain."  You will also learn to play with "colors."  If you say "RED," he must stop the scene immediately.  If you say "YELLOW" he must back off, be less intense, but continue the scene.  If you are gagged, hold a little ball in your hand so you can let go.  When, as in the case you described, you were beyond speaking, he needs to have enough training to know when to stop.

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Another Amazon/Internet search you may want to do would be on the words "Age Play."  I've put out a collection of essays on the topic earlier this year, so I know there is material out there.  I have a couple in my life who are mid-50s.  She is brandigirl and he is Daddy John.  At conferences, I often see her dressed in a short gingham dress (with petticoat and pigtails and white schoolgirl shirt).  Message: your desires are far from unique, but you need to get out and meet others with your interests.

Also, I'd urge you to consider joining www.fetlife.com  It's free and you'll find lots of company.  I just took a look at the Daddy/girl Fetlife groups and find this:

Groups
Daddy Dominants (2,724 members)
Male Dominant/female submissive focused age and caregiver role play. The Daddy Dom dynamic is unique in its mix of Head of Household, Master, Teacher & patriarchal roles. Open to Daddies (regardless of gender/orientation) their submissives to...

Daddy Doms and babygirls (2,609 members)
This is a D/s lifestyle group for "Daddy Doms" and (adult) lil "girls/babygirls." This is a place for friendly conversation and discussion of relationship issues associated with being the kind of dominant male known as a Daddy Dom and/or a submiss...

Daddy ~ girl Relationships (1,679 members)
Here is a safe place to come share your ideas and ask questions about Daddy girl relationships. Feel free to bring things to the table such as "How do you discipline your lil' one" to "Where do you find cute knee socks". Enjoy :)

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Considering all this, my strongest recommendation is that the two of you find a local spanko group.  They're all doing exactly what you seek.

Oh, if you sign up on Fetlife, feel free to join my friends list.  I'm Dr_Bob on Fetlife.

Best possible wishes,

Bob