Expert: arani_CsA - 6/4/2009

Question
QUESTION: I'm very happily and exclusively involved with a beautiful and experienced female dom (domme?) who has decided to be my submissive. Yeah, who'd have seen that one coming?  I certainly did not. We are on the verge of becoming social in the community, but mainly as an exclusive couple.  

My question is one of terminology.  She considers herself submissive and therefore "Collared".  As her exclusive Dom, what is the term I should use to declare my position?

ANSWER: Hello, Sir...

Thank you for coming to me with your question.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

I'd like to address a couple of matters that you brought up in your letter.  First of all, I know of quite a few women who have found themselves in situations similar to what you described.  I was one of them.  In fact, there are many in the M/s world who feel that all dominant women have the potential to come under the influence of a strong man.  In Gor, we like to say that a Free Woman (Mistress) is only a slave who has not yet found her Master.  There are many, many women in this world who were brought up to be independent and in charge, and then encounter the one man that brings them to their knees by the sheer force of their personalities.  Many submissives, both woman and men, assume positions in the work-place that afford them some level of control.

But, I did pick up on something else you said -- that she decided to be your submissive.  There are many in the lifestyle who say that the submissive is the one who has the real control in a D/s relationship.  She decides who she will or will not belong to, how she will and will not serve (by way of limits and safewords), and when she will leave the relationship.  And, if that is what makes those involved in such a relationship happy and content, then there's nothing wrong with that.

But just by considering herself submissive, she is not necessarily collared.  (At least, in my experience.)  A sub or a slave is only collared after she and her prospective Dominant/Master have spent some time in negotiation and come to an agreement as to what each one of them will bring to the relationship, and there has been a bonding ceremony of some kind.  (Even a private one.)  This kind of a relationship is every bit as binding, to most, as a wedding.  There are those in the lifestyle who ridicule those who put on "velcro" collars, and then take them off a few days or a few weeks later when they grown tired of the situation.

Now, as to terminology.  This is something that is highly individual, and usually determined by each couple between themselves.  I tend to think of the partners in an M/s relationship as Master and slave, and those in a D/s relationship as Dominant/submissive.  However, many subs do address their Dominants as Master.  (By the way, there is a big difference between slaves and submissives, just as there is between Masters and Dominants.)  

There are Dominants who call themselves "Lord X" or "Master Y" or "Sir Z."  Or even Tom, Dick, and Harry.  There are some who feel that a "true Master" should not have to use such a title in his scene name.  It's something that should come across in the way he behaves, and not in what he calls himself.  Now, as to what your submissive should call you, that is for YOU to decide.  Not her.  Most Owners require their subs and/or slaves to address them as "Master" or "Sir," especially when in private or in a gathering of other lifestylers.  They will usually allow their property to address them by their Christian names, or some other term of endearment, when in public.  You may call her your submissive.  But you may also call her pet, slut, animal, beast, property, wench, subby, brat, child, or even broccoli if you like.  It's totally up to you.  Most Masters, and many Dominants, will re-name their subs and slaves, by dictating what their new scene name will be.  And it is up to you how much freedom you allow your new property in agreeing to her new name.

When among other lifestylers, you may demonstrate your ownership in a variety of ways.  You may simply announce publicly that she belongs to you, and if anyone has a problem with her they are to bring it to you.  You may put her on a leash, or require her to kneel at your feet.  You will most likely require her to wear the collar that you choose for her, which may or may not have a tag with your name on it.  

I recommend that the two of you find a BDSM group that meets in your local area.  You can find a listing of such groups, by state, at http://www.drkdesyres.com.  Here you can get to know other lifestylers, and see how they interact with each other and with others.  You can see how they work things out between themselves, and generally meet others who share your interests.

But what you need to do, first of all, is to sit down with this woman and determine the specific parameters that your relationship will take.  What do you expect from her?  What are you willing to give to her in terms of protection and guidance?  And what is she willing and able to do for you?  Signing a contract, at least a temporary one to start out with, is a good idea.

If you have any further questions, feel free to contact me again.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: First of all, I understand and agree with everything you wrote.  I recognize the gift that my submissive mate has granted and am equally cognizant of the conditional nature of said gift.  For both of us, the "Freak Switch" was flipped on decades ago, we're just lucky to have recently found each other.

I shared my question with her and she said she chooses to refer to me as "Sir" or "Master"  I'm cool with that, but no so much with referring to myself that way.  I wrote this example to her.  "After an unwelcome invitation, you would correctly respond, 'No thank you, I'm exclusively collared to Sir (name)'.  What is my response to a similar inquiry?"

In actuality, I'm not interested in trolling the scene for new partners, or clients.  We have chosen each other and there will be no competition for our attention. Submissive is to "Collared and Dominant is to "X".  I'm just trying to solve for X  ;)

Answer
Hello, Sir...

I am happy that my words were of some help to you.  I'll try to respond to your further questions in like manner.

In a gathering of BDSM lifestylers, there are varying levels of protocol dictating how Dominants/Masters and submissives/slaves interact with each other.  But it would be highly inappropriate for anyone, Dom or sub, to approach your submissive without first asking your permission.  (Even if it was just to say, "Hello.")  For her to be invited or commanded in any way, other than possibly just for simple conversation, would be considered a great insult to you.  You would be within your rights to ask that the offending party be ejected from the gathering.  If your sub were to be approached in such a way, I would recommend that she respond with something like:  "Sir, I am the property of (your name).  I may not speak to you without his permission."  If he persists in his advances, it would be well within her rights to leave his presence without another word.

Usually, it's considered bad manners for any submissive -- owned or not -- to approach a Dominant without permission, or without his making the first move.  I am commanded to address all men as "Sir" or "Master," and all women as "Ma'am" or "Mistress," until I am instructed that they are either not dominants or that I may address them otherwise.  Some submissives will only address their owners as "Master," but again this is something that you will determine.

As to how to refer to yourself, "Owner of a" is a good choice.  "Sub a's Master" is another.  It's basically whatever you want it to be.  You're the boss.  You make the rules.  Period.

Again, good luck to you both.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius