Expert: Robert Rubel - 6/5/2009

Question
I had NO idea I was getting into this kind of relationship. I had no idea I was submissive. But evidently I am and I'm happier than I've ever been in a new relationship. However, my partner isn't "on" all the time- I can't tell if he's easing me into this or not, but he only seems to be "on" when we meet in person. When we talk on the phone or chat online, it's like I'm talking to someone completely different. I know it takes energy and I know that he just may not be that way. Am I wrong for feeling like I need him to be more dominant in our phone and chat conversations?

Answer
Ann,

You might ask him, but my sense is that he can't really enforce protocols over the phone, but can in person, hence the difference.  That is, without seeing you in action, he may feel that he cannot judge what your are really doing when on the phone with you.  Just a thought.

Also, once the two of you are together for a long time -- living together, for example -- he may not be able be "on" all the time, either.

I'm in a Master/slave structure.  But I'm not interested in high protocol during the days.   Takes too much work.  To solve that problem, we have a ceremony each night that marks the transition from "not much protocol" to a fairly high degree of Leather protocols.  

Now: I've just mentioned "Leather."  D/s and Master/slave (M/s) structures are vastly different between Leatherfolk and BDSMers.  The Leather movement is Gay and came out of returning GIs from WWII.   Over the past decade, increasing numbers of heterosexuals self-identify as "Leather," as does our Family.  They have much more emphasis on earning rank, giving back to the community, hierarchy, and spirituality than does the BDSM community.

The BDSM movement grew out of the swinging lifestyle of the 1960s and 70s.  

I mention this because there are some substantial differences between these two cultures.  For example, in Leather, it is most common for a potential slave to petition the Master.  Also, in the Leather culture, an M/s relationship starts out with a contract.  Third, Master is responsible for preparing the slave's Manual of Protocol.

Now, back to your question.   You had commented on not knowing you were a  submissive.  In the BDSM community a D/s relationship is based on "power exchange."  This is usually time-specific or scene-specific.  The Dom takes power from the willing submissive, they do a scene, after the scene the Dom gives the submissive her power back.  End.  Some people live in a power-exchange relationship, others don't.

In the Leather community, where most men tend to be dominant in work regardless whether straight or Gay, most slaves are normally Doms, but these men have chosen a particular Master to serve for particular reasons.  So: BDSM = submissives but Leather slaves may or may not be submissives.  My slave is not a submissive.

The Master/slave structure is about "authority exchange."  My slave has surrendered authority over herself to me in exchange for total protection and support.  Translation: what's good for her is now my decision, not hers.

His protocol may be only to be social and chatty with you on the phone, but desire/demand a higher level of protocol when in person.

The key: ask him about your perceived differences in his behavior.  When done right, the Leather/BDSM worlds have much greater communication between partners than I've found in the general public.

Best wishes,

Bob