Expert: Slavywavy - 6/21/2009

Question
Hello,
Three years ago, i met a great man and W/we went out on a couple of dates.  Things were so amazing (no sex yet)at first. He disappeared for a while and returned to tell me that He was living with a woman and the relationship was ending and He wanted time to get over her (the reason for His absence). He asked to date me again. At this point He brought up the BDSM lifestyle and W/we started with His desires in the bedroom, although very mild. i had always felt sex was missing something in previous relationships, and after researching the lifestyle and talking with Him, i was very interested. W/we are both in O/our 30's and are looking to settle down, get married and have a family.  Then the problems started. He introduced me to His family and friends as 'my future wife' as well as my friends and co-workers. W/we celebrated holidays together and became very close and in love.
A pattern began that W/we would have sex and 'play' at BDSM but he was not a very experienced Sir and claimed that He didn't think that i could fully submit to him. Of course, i only asked for his guidance and instruction on how to please him- which he seemed unable to give.
Another break up and reunion in which He was the one that would come back to me and ask for another chance. After many tears and sleepless nights on my part, i told him no more. i did everything i could to get him out of my life #except to date others, but i still longed for Him and the plans that W/we made together as well as the lifestyle.
Over the last 6 months, He has continued to email and talk to me through instant messenger. He wanted to see me over Christmas and i declined. However, the last three weeks O/our talks became more frequent and longer in length. He asked to see me for a date. i agreed and W/we had a nice time #nothing sexual happened#. A day goes by and W/we meet online and He tells me all the things a sub wants to hear...how attracted i am, how much he has missed me, how much He wanted to try again and so on.  Another date and meeting which is amazing and a little BDSM play but no sex.
Well, W/we agreed to start fresh with a clean slate. He had just ended a BDSM relationship and learned more about what He wanted, and that was me.  His ultimate goal was for things to go slow and then to collar me and finally wed and have children.  After seven days of happiness and promises, He told me that He is in love with deep feelings for his former relationship. At first He asked for time to get over her, then for U/us to slow down and be just friends for a period, at which point i told Him that i could not be just friends nor could i have the BDSM without a 'vanilla' relationship combined.  
Currently He is trying to make things work with her, but our two phone conversations makes me feel that He cannot let me go and i asked Him why He just can't leave me and be happy? Why does He always come back to me? i argued that He must have deep feelings for me too and perhaps commitment issues?
i am having a hard time deciding what to do. In the past three years, its been this cycle of on again off again, but He always comes back to me. Through all the gaps in time, He always claims to be single and 'soul searching'. The logical side of me thinks that when He has bad things go on in his life, He turns to me for the good attention that He is lacking in other places. The romantic in me, wants to believe that He truly means the things that He says and the promises that He makes to me and this time i should fight for Him.  It has long been a complaint from Him that i am to passive and just let Him go and do what He wants. This time, i feel that i should continue to try to talk to him but of course, not stalk or harass Him.

What is Your take on O/our situation? Is this common in the BDSM lifestyle? I would never put up with this in the 'vanilla' world, but it seems my feelings are deeper for him than any other man. i am not sure if its because He was my first Sir that i am unable to move on... any advice You have is much appreciated.

Answer
Dear one

Is this situation common in BDSM? No it isn't. When you want someone to dominate and control you, you would look for someone who would take responsibility for your safety and wellbeing on a physical, mental and emotional level. Just reading this was painful as he has not really taken your submission seriously and has not treated you in the way you deserve to be treated.

A few little secrets for you - it is not up to you to be more proactive in keeping him, it is up to him to be open, honest and responsible when accepting your submission and your love. You follow and he leads, that is why you are submissive.

Secondly, the fact that you need to submit and have someone who will nurture and cherish that need in you, makes you a little more vulnerable than most women. You need to know that there are those out there who understand this need and who know how to possess one such as yourself totally and utterly without hurting you or making you cry tears of isolation and rejection. This man is not the only one out there that can and does control submissives. In fact this man sounds like someone who isn't really dominant and does not understand the role of a dominant. There are many out there who do and you will find one once you clear your heart and mind of this disaster.

How do you go about it? You reach out and network and find out where your local BDSM group gets together for munches. You can join alt, fetlife and bondage.com to find out where to go as you will meet many who truly live this lifestyle there. Fetlife though in my opinion is the safest bet since people there are truly serious about BDSM and are not just there to find cheap thrills.

BDSM relationships are built on honesty, communication, resepct and trust even more than other relationships since you need to trust one that has your life and welbeing in his or her hands even more than just a vanilla partner. Being submissive means digging deep emotionally and physically and finding yourself and growing. It means being strong and vulnerable, therefore you need someone who will nurture ansd cherish that in you.

This man does not sound like he fits the bill. I would tell him it is over and move on. This romance is more painful than I could imagine just reading this. You deserve to be happy too. Do you not think there is something wrong when he constantly moves from one person to another and nothing ever works for him? Are all these others also too passive or does he go back to them when he thinks you aren't looking?

Lots of love and hugs

Slavy