AboutMistress Violette Expertise I can answer questions related to the practice of BDSM, especially involving relationship issues and personal interactions. My expertise is in helping people sort out thoughts and feelings, define problems and find solutions. I'm happy to apply my BDSM knowledge and experience to this. I'm not the best person for questions dealing with mechanical contraptions, the physics of BDSM or Gor related matters.
Experience Seventeen years of real time, face to face practice of BDSM in my own personal relationships, 4 years of professional experience in distance training.
Education/Credentials My traditional education includes both a bachelor's and master's degree. I have no formal education in BDSM. I know what I know from interacting with experienced players, reading, and hands on experience.
Question Well, to start off, I'm 18 and have been involved in the BDSM world for about a year now. I really love the experiences and feelings it's given me. I'm a sub without a master at the moment. The problem is, I haven't told my mom. I've tried for about six months, bringing it up as a light-hearted joke so she'll be more open but she just says that I wouldn't really like that type of lifestyle.
I recently found out that her boyfriend in college was into BDSM and she agreed to try it but hated it. That just seems to have made it harder for me to tell her. I love my mom and I've never kept anything from her before, so this is really kind of tearing me up.
Do you have any suggestions for how to tell her?
Answer Hello, Stacy,
It's too bad your mother has had a negative experience with BDSM. It's coloring her perceptions, understandably, and making it hard for her to be open to a discussion about it. It's going to be important for you to be confident and comfortable when talking with her about it. Because she's uncomfortable, you might be inclined to be hesitant or even apologetic in your approach. That wouldn't be helpful. You can be considerate while projecting the attitude that this is something fun and healthy for you.
Since she's already told you a bit about her old relationship, maybe you can ask her to share her concerns. Tell her you're interested in BDSM, have looked into it and have a positive impression. Explain that since you like to keep her up to speed about your life and interests, you'd be grateful for an open talk with her. Say you're hoping she'll tell you some of her doubts because you'd like to set her mind at ease. You only want to hear her concerns, not the details about what caused them. That will minimize the possibility of the conversation being derailed by anyone's discomfort or defensiveness. When you know what exactly it is that's bothering her, you can explain the positive aspects of BDSM.
You can also show her some third party resources. You probably have some favorite web sites and books and some of these might be helpful. Here's one I especially like for this purpose: http://www.nlacolumbus.com/education/sm101/smbasic.html. Information from other people will show her there's a lot of people doing this and in happy and healthy ways.
It's possible she won't be completely reassured, no matter how much information you share, but you can probably alleviate her fears a great deal. Tell her how important her support is to you, especially as you're just beginning your explorations. It looks like you and your mom have a great relationship and I think you're wise to want to keep it that way. You're a considerate daughter and I wish the best to you and your mother.
