Expert: DarkDivah - 6/11/2009

Question
Hello,

Please could you help me. I am in a relationship with a dom, we have been together for five years. I have never experienced any bdsm relationships before I met him, so it was all new to me.

For most of our relationship we have had an active sex life, experimenting with bdsm but ultimately our relationship has remained somewhat vanilla.

Six months ago my dom boyfriend broke off the relationship and said that we were not "compatible" sexually. We tried to reconcile, with success. But now we have hit the same problem. We do not have sex regularly, he cannot get aroused by anything I do. He does not get turned on by normal sex.

We have been living together for about 5 weeks, I quit my job and left my life behind to move in with him (80 miles away). I have everything planned out with him and I am very upset about this.

He tells me that I haven't done anything wrong but he continues to hurt me. From what I've read on the internet, bdsm and vanilla partners can have successful relationships if there is compromise. I am very open minded and very willing, as I feel that I am submissive in the bedroom. But he insists that it is not just the bedroom.

I don't know what to do. My question is, can a dom and a vanilla partner have a successful relationship? Or is it doomed from the start. What advice can you give me? I am at the end of my tether.

Thank you

Jo

Answer
Dear Jo

Sometimes when we're at the end of the tether all we can do is let go and start doing what needs to be done to build a life we can be happy in.
This is why I tell most people that LOVE and HAPPINESS are two completely different things.

What you and Dom went through is nicely coined "the honeymoon phase" where the love of being "in love" overtakes the sexual incapability or chemistry.

Have you asked him what he wants? What type of relationship? Sadly there are many "online" Doms out there who seem to know what they're doing but have had little or no practical experience and once they cross over from strictly fantasy to reality they soon figure out that it isn't at all as they've imagined and it sort of fizzles out from there.

Unfortunately there are a ton of subs out there who have been like the experiment child for them and they are hurt because subs tend to love with their whole being and despite the fact that some of us may cry protest, we DO become attached rather readily.

Dom and vanilla and sub and vanilla alike CAN work out a relationship and/or relationship boundaries that suit them, but it is A LOT of hard work and from what you have written I am not so sure HE wants to do the work involved in that.

Sounds like "Mr. BigDaddy Dom" wants the "BIG EASY" so I strongly urge you to think about your situation, evaluate your happiness and then move to a life that is about YOU and YOUR potential.

I'm sorry things haven't gone well for you.

~Divah