Expert: Mistress Violette - 6/6/2009

Question
I will try to be brief.
I found I was a lesbian later in life.
With my current girlfriend, I have been enjoying a more agressive sex if you will.  I want to tie her up, make her do what I want (which she claims she is into) and exploring different ways of having sex.
Is this heading towards a BDSM style of sex?

Answer
Hello, Aussie,

I like the way you put that, a BDSM "style" of sex. There are lots of people who enjoy the mechanics of BDSM, things like bondage, spanking, and humiliation play. Liking these things and being excited by them isn't necessarily BDSM; sometimes it's a variation on vanilla sex. That would be a BDSM style of sex.

What differentiates BDSM from kinky sex is that BDSM involves an overt, negotiated imbalance of power, often called power exchange. In BDSM relationships, the submissive gives up control of herself to her dominant. There is discussion and negotiation but eventually decisions rest with the dominant. This is different from the equality of give and take in a non BDSM relationship.

The degree of control in BDSM varies among couples but what matters is not sex or play but the element of control. If you and your partner find yourselves excited by the sex, the activities, you're probably not looking at a BDSM relationship. If it's the giving and taking of control that attracts and satisfies you, then you likely are. Either way, good luck and have fun!

Mistress Violette