Expert: arani_CsA - 6/9/2009

Question
me and my wife/submissive are new to this..and i have ben reading all that i can get my hands on abought bdsm and i found this sight..my wife is a sub we have talked abought it and her personalty is that she is a sub and i am a dom .she is all ways asking me if she can do things like go out and so on or get things ...it is like she wants me to tell her what she can and can not do all the time and is that not a slave??? when i do she seems to get upset and say that i she is my wife and i should treat her as my wife not a slave ..so i am confused what can i do to get her to be more open and truthful abought what she wants?????

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your questions.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

First of all, welcome to the wonderful world of BDSM!  It can truly be a satisfying and rewarding lifestyle for many, however it does take some time to fully understand what it is all about.  I can understand that you are feeling overwhelmed; there is a lot of information out there, and unfortunately a lot of that information is either misleading or even false.  It's easy for anyone to put up a website and sound like they know what they're talking about, but many of these so-called experts have little to no real-time experience.

I think that the biggest thing that is causing you and your wife confusion is knowing just what the difference is between a submissive and a slave.  (And, to tell you the truth, if you ask 10 different people to describe just what this difference is, you're liable to get at least 7 different answers.)  I'll base my answer on my own personal definition, based on over ten years in the lifestyle both living as a slave and spending time talking with and observing both slaves and submissives.

Some people consider a slave to be an extreme submissive, but the truth is that a slave doesn't have to be submissive at all.  A submissive, in my opinion, is a person -- man or woman -- who enjoys being controlled to some extent (some to a very great extent), and who can even be said to crave being in such a condition.  Because they enjoy this state of being controlled and commanded, they become good at being obedient and even anticipating the commands of their Dominants.  Some say that the submissive is the one who has the real control in a D/s relationship, however, because she is the one who determines how she does or does not want to serve, and basically is in the relationship because it makes her feel good or because she likes it in some way.  

A slave, however, obeys because she simply has no other choice.  Oh, it's not that her Master has physically restrained her or threatened her with physical violence or some other kind of very real harm.  No, it's because serving comes so naturally to her that she just doesn't think about it.  She may even hate or dread what she is told to do, but her pleasure isn't a factor in the equation.  I like to say that a submissive DOES what her Dominant wants, while a slave BECOMES what her Master wants.  Often she will transform herself in very significant ways, because that is the kind of woman he wants her to be.  This means not only losing weight or changing her hairstyle or manner of dress, but may mean giving up a career she has worked at for 20 years or leaving behind a family she cherishes.  It may mean conquering her aversion to sleeping with another woman, if that's what her Master likes.

Now, many slaves are submissive by nature, and I sometimes envy them.  I am not, and I constantly have to combat an urge to refuse what I am told to do, or to argue with my Master.  But, I made a commitment to him, 9 years ago, to live as he wants me to live . . . for the rest of my life.  And, perhaps strangely, it is when I have defeated those inner urges, and submitted when I least wanted to, that I feel more fulfilled and at peace with myself.

I'll make another observation that I think goes to what you have told me about your wife.  Some submissives AND slaves enjoy being micro-managed.  They crave to have every waking minute dictated by their Owners, down to what they eat and how they dress and when they buy new shoes for the children.  And many Dominants and Masters enjoy owning a person like this.  However, many slaves (myself included) pride themselves on NOT having to be told what to do.  My Master counts on my being creative and imaginative, and using my powers of intelligent observation, to figure out what he likes without having to be told.  There are times when, if I have to be given a direct command, I feel as if I've failed as a slave.  

My suggestion is that both you and your wife sit down, privately, and spend some time determining what it is that you want out of this relationship.  Do you want a submissive or a slave?  What kind of a submissive do you want, and what is it that you want her to do for you?  Why is it that you want this?  As for your wife, does she want to be a submissive or a slave?  Does she want to be micro-managed, or given the freedom to figure out for herself how you want to be served?  Why does she crave this kind of lifestyle?

Then, once you both have spent some time in self-discovery, you need to sit down and figure out TOGETHER how to craft a relationship that is fulfilling for both of you.  What rules and rituals do you have for her, if any, and what consequences will she face for disobedience?  Is S/m play going to be a part of your relationship?  (If so, there is a whole other set of questions that you both have to ask each other.)  

I also suggest that the two of you find a BDSM group that meets in your local area.  (You can find a listing of such groups, by state, at http://www.drkdesyres.com)  Here you can meet with others who enjoy the lifestyle, some of whom are in relationships and some who are not.  You can see how they interact with each other, and learn from them, as well as make friends with others who share your interests.  Such groups will usually have an on-line discussion forum, where they can get acquainted and set up get-togethers.  They may meet informally, by going out for a neutral dinner at a local restaurant, and they may meet at someone's home for a night of more in-depth discussion.  Most of these people will be happy to spend time answering your questions, when they know that you are genuinely interested in learning.

Here are some of the sites that I recommend for learning:
http://www.castlrealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html
http://www.rlslavery.com

Good luck to you both.  If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact me again.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius