Expert: arani_CsA - 6/21/2009

Question
I can't get enough bdsm treatment from my husband.  He's afraid of hurting me. But I want it so bad.  What do I do.


Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your question.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

Firstly, I want to say that your husband is RIGHT in being afraid of hurting you, and most bottoms/submissives/slaves would be grateful for such a trait in their Tops/Dominants/Masters.  Many of the activities that we do in this lifestyle have the potential of causing serious and permanent physical harm, or even death, if not done properly.  In addition, many aspects of our lifestyle are frankly illegal.  (For instance, just being found with any kind of sex toy in the state of Kansas is considered a felony offense.)

That said, this lifestyle CAN be very rewarding for those who take the time and trouble to learn what it is all about, and how to partake in it safely.  Part of that learning includes doing some serious self-reflection, to discover why you are drawn to this kind of activity -- as well as what specific kinds of activities you are drawn to.  And then one must be very careful to find a partner who shares the same interests and desires, within the lifestyle.  

BDSM encompasses a broad spectrum of activities and relationships.  Some may just enjoy a little kinky play in the bedroom, while others may crave an absolute Master/slave relationship like my own husband and I have.  Some may enjoy giving and receiving intensely strong stimuli, including pain -- like a friend of mine whose husband gave her 500 lashes with a cane, so severe that her back was bruised and bloody.  Others may like nothing more than a simple spanking, or want a more service-oriented relationship that involves nothing more painful than having to eat something you hate.  Just saying that two people share an interest in BDSM doesn't necessarily mean they are perfect for each other.

A good Dominant should be very protective of his submissive's safety, and happiness.  He should be wary of doing things to her that will push her beyond the limits of what she can safely do, from a psychological as well as a physical standpoint.  He should also be well aware of his own limitations, and shy away from play practices that he doesn't know how to do well or safely, or that he feels uncomfortable doing.  One of the things that is absolutely necessary, before any kind of S/m play, is careful negotiation between those involved as to what expectations each one has for the encounter, as well as any boundaries that they do not want to cross.  Even slaves will have limits based on previous experiences or present inexperience.

I suggest that you AND your husband spend some time researching the lifestyle, TOGETHER.  Be aware that there is a lot of misinformation on the web, and that anyone who has access to a computer can put up a website without having any real knowledge of what he is talking about.  (I'll give you some good sites, that are well-respected by most lifestylers.)  Then, spend some time discussing what you both are looking for, both in the way of your relationship and your activities that you will do within that relationship.

I do want to point out that you may find that your desires and interests may differ significantly from those of your husband.  If that is the case, then it is up to the two of you to work out a compromise.  If that's not possible, you may be faced with the reality of learning that the two of you are not compatible, and must part to find someone who better meets your needs.  Do NOT try to force anyone to do something that he/she does not want to do.  Consent is very important in our lifestyle, and I doubt seriously that you really want to be forced into doing something that you don't want to do.

If you and your husband decide you are serious about pursuing this lifestyle, I also strongly suggest that you find a BDSM group that meets in your local area.  (You can find a listing of such groups, by state, at http://www.drkdesyre.com)  Here you can meet others who share your interests, and can help you learn about the lifestyle -- including learning how to safely do play practices you are interested in but have no direct knowledge of.  You can also learn how to live without calling public attention to yourselves, because that could be equally as dangerous.

Okay, here are those sites I told you about:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html

Good luck to you.  Have fun, but more importantly, be safe.  If you have any further questions, feel free to contact me again.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius