Expert: Mistress Violette - 6/5/2009

Question
Hello,
I was recently married a little over six months ago, and my husband just won't dominate me. When we first got together, our sex was great, i thought it was the best ever. But then we broke up and I started sleeping with me friend and it was then that I found out how much I love to be dominated. It wasn't even extreme. A little hair pulling, rough on the body a bit, no bruising or hitting or choking. A LOT of dirty talk. And then I got back with my now husband and its just NOT as good!! I really have to work to get off, and its more like I'm frustrated. Please help! I try to drop hints about him "chasing me" or "coming to get me" I even told him Iliked to be bossed around, but hes like "why can't you be my equal!?". I don't think he has it in him to dominate me. I even recommended the book Just Fu*k Me!. Please tell me how I can fix this!

Answer
Hi, Sylvia,

I wonder if you're confusing your husband with your terminology. What you'd like him to do isn't "domination" in the BDSM sense. You're not looking for the power exchange or control that define BDSM. What you want a good seeing to. I suspect your husband would be happy to provide that if he realized that's what you want. What you, and the book you mentioned, are describing is one way of vanilla sex. There's no domination or inequality there, it's two people enthusiastically enjoying sex together. It sounds like the words you've been using have accidentally misdirected him. To get back on track you need to communicate what you'd like to see happen, without using labels that aren't accurate and that aren't appealing to your husband.

You also need to be direct in your communication. Men say what they mean; they're don't communicate via clues so they're not good at interpreting them. It's not fair to expect your husband to read your mind. Sit him down and explain there are things you'd like to try in the bedroom, then tell him what the things are specifically - "a little hair pulling" or "light nipple play" rather than "domination." Talk about "carrying me to the bedroom and screwing my brains out" rather than "coming to get me." Buy him the book and read it together, show him the parts that really appeal to you, ask him what appeals to him. I bet once your husband understands exactly what you're asking for he'll be agreeable, even enthusiastic, about providing it. Good luck and have fun!

Mistress Violette