Expert: arani_CsA - 6/12/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi there it's me again you might not remember me we spoke a few months ago you give me such good advice i'm back anyways me and sir are not living together yet he recently started a new job and is busy a lot getting things ready for our future we haven't had much time together and i miss him soo much.Our time apart is so hard on me i truely beleive i'm addicted to him the love he gives me how he makes me feel.He tells me just because we are not always together doesn't mean he loves me any less i believe him but how to i learn to handle our time apart.I'm still working on my own issues continueing to learn my patience self control all the things Sir wants me to learn.I try to talk about our relationship with my friends but they are of the vanilla world and don't understand us they think i'm crazy and he's playing headgames with me but i know he's just teaching me and i'm trying my hardest to learn all.So if you have anymore advice for me i would be so grateful just need to talk with someone who understands us and the things i'm feeling.Someone not of the vanilla world.thank you for your time so letter is so long.By the way i'm a submissive.

ANSWER: Hello...

Thank you for the follow-up question.  I'm pleased that my earlier answer was of help to you, and I hope that I can do the same this time.

What you're feeling is not at all unusual, especially for a relatively new submissive who has been separated from her Dominant.  But I'm going to digress a moment to address something else you mentioned.

I would strongly suggest that you NOT share details of your new lifestyle with your vanilla friends and relatives, unless you want to have to do a lot of explaining and are prepared to accept the same kind of criticism that it appears you have already been subjected to.  Sexual sadomasochism is still classified as a form of mental illness by the medical community, and quite a few of the activities associated with the BDSM lifestyle are actually illegal.  For instance, in the state of Kansas, it is a felony to be found in possession of sex toys such as floggers.  Many who aren't familiar with BDSM, and don't know much about it, can feel threatened by it or feel some sort of revulsion when confronted by it.  At the very least, you may find yourself the subject of ridicule.  At the worst, you could lose your job and be totally cut off from those you care about.  Speaking for myself, NO ONE knows of my life as a slave, except for those who share my lifestyle choice.  That's why it is so important to find and keep friends within the lifestyle, for support and understanding from those who share our unique needs.

That said, what you are feeling is not at all unusual for a relatively new submissive, like yourself, especially upon being separated from your Dominant.  Submissives are notoriously needy creatures, and I mean nothing bad in saying this.  The reason you have chosen this lifestyle is because it makes you feel good, in one way or another.  And, once you have experienced this feeling, you want more and more of it.  

In addition, you don't have to engage in S/m play to experience subspace.  If you aren't familiar with that term, this is the flood of endorphins (chemicals produced by the brain) that you experience as a result of intense physical or psychological manipulation by a Dominant partner.  This is part of what enables us to tolerate, and even enjoy, receiving 100 lashes with a whip or having hot wax dripped on your breasts or kneeling for hours at your Dominant's feet.  This is exactly the same feeling experienced by marathon runners or weight lifters, or other athletes who push their bodies beyond expected limits of endurance and/or pain.  It's also very much like what you might experience when under the influence of a strong psychedelic drug.  And it can be just as addictive.  Once you experience this feeling, you want it again and again, and it will take an even stronger stimulus to push you to that place.

It's very common for submissives and slaves, who have been in the presence of their Dominants or Masters for an extended period of time, to experience something called "sub drop" once their Owners leave.  This is something that should not be ignored, either by the submissive or by her Dominant.  One way to deal with these feelings is to have some sort of frequent contact with the Dominant, for instance via the telephone or instant messages.  That doesn't mean you have to spend an hour every night on the phone with him.  Perhaps a short text message asking if his slut is being good while he is gone.  Another thing that works well is for him to give you a routine to be carried out in his absence.  For instance, certain times when you are to do various tasks and then report the results to him via e-mail or in a journal.  (Keeping an on-line journal, that he has access to, is also a good way of keeping in touch.)  Or, perhaps you could spend the time away from him in learning a new skill, such as learning to cook his favorite foods or researching some aspect of the lifestyle.

My own Master and I met on line, and spent the first couple of years of our relationship living hundreds of miles apart.  I saw him on the average of once every 3-4 months.  But, in between, I had regular phone calls and e-mails, and had a rigid routine that I had to follow and report on to him.  And I could count on being punished if I didn't comply with it.

Consider this a time of preparing yourself to fully serve your Dominant, when the time comes that you are allowed to do so.  That means transforming your thought processes as well as your actions and your body, to become the kind of submissive that he desires.  Good luck to you, and if you have any further questions, feel free to bring them my way.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for writing me back and all your advice.Your so right about not telling people of the vanilla world I won't make that mistake again.I totally agree with you about sub space Sir and i didn't have contact with each other for two days because he's been busy with work he text me this morning and i was so happy it made me wet.We don't get to be together sexually very much  now but he keeps me wet all the time just the sound of his vioce,thinking of him ,everything about him.Anyways to my question i've read a lot about subs, slaves using enemas to cleanse themselves for anal play have you ever used one?Does it hurt and exactly what do you do?Sir hasn't told me to use one but we do have anal  i'm just wondering incase he does.You said earlier i should talk to others like me i agree i think it will help me grow .Sirs the only one i know and you now ..if it's ok with you i consider  you my freind ..my slave friend ..is that ok?thanks for all your help

Answer
Hello...

Again, I'm glad that my words were of help to you.  I'm sure your Sir will be very pleased that you're trying to better yourself for his service.

I do want to make one clarification to something I said earlier.  Subspace is really quite different from an orgasm.  Some people who experience subspace do orgasm, but many don't.  It's not so much a feeling of sexual excitement, but more of a "high" like you might feel after doing some cocaine (for example).  As to your being wet all the time, that's something that a lot of Masters want in their property.  And, often, this results from denial of orgasm as much as the frequent giving of them.

If you and your Sir are going to be engaging in anal play, it would be very proper (and very polite) for you to give yourself an enema beforehand.  No matter how well you wipe yourself off after going to the bathroom, there's always going to be some fecal matter that clings to your anal canal, especially when you consider that his fingers/dildo/penis reaches up higher than you can when you wipe.  I would imagine that your Sir would greatly appreciate not having to clean your poop off whatever tool he uses on you.  

There are ways that your Sir can give you an enema, that would be highly enjoyable for both of you, if you do truly enjoy anal play.  In fact, many people experience strong orgasms from just the enema.  It's not unheard of for people to introduce substances such as wine into the enema bag, although I would strongly advise against this until you are very familiar with what you are doing and the consequences that can result.

But an enema of this nature is very hard to do to yourself.  Instead, I would recommend going to your local drug store or Wal-Mart and purchasing something called a Fleet's Enema.  This is a little bottle with a long tube on one end, and the box will have detailed instructions on how to give one.  It's not unusual for people to buy these and use them for constipation or other genuine medical purposes.  But, basically, it's not much different from inserting a tampon, it's just that you're putting it in a different hole.  You then squirt the contents of the bottle up your rectum, and then wait a period of time while you try to keep the liquid from spilling out.  You probably want to be sitting on the toilet, at least the first time.  Then, when you can't hold it any longer, you release the contents of your bowels, along with the enema liquids, into the toilet.  Some people will repeat the process, if what comes out isn't clear, but you want to be careful about that, and follow the directions on the box or ask your pharmacist first.  (You don't need to tell him what you're using it for.  Just say you're constipated.)

Here is a good web page that gives more detail about using a Fleet's Enema.  Don't let the cautionary stuff frighten you; if you do it right, it should be very safe.  It does contain medicine, though, and a certain amount of healthy caution is in order.
http://www.drugs.com/mtm/fleet-enema.html

Here is some other information that might be useful, regarding more serious enema play:
http://www.bestslavetraining.com/enema.htm
http://www.bdsm-education.com/enema.html

Again, have fun and be careful.  Feel free to contact me any time.  My private e-mail is arani_csa@yahoo.com.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius