Expert: Robert Rubel - 7/26/2009

Question
I was wandering if there was any possibility of having a sexual BDSM relationship with a person and at the same time living a... I guess you could call it a "normal" lifestyle? I'm only very new to this stuff, but I have much interest in it. I feel that I am normally quite independant and authorative when I am working and just interacting with people in general, however I am very submissive sexually, and this causes a bit of confusion for me. I don't know if I am ready to be a fully committed sub in every aspect, I still like having a bit of independance when it comes to the actual relationship and when I am around other people.

Answer
Good question...

The quick answer to your question is yes, it's easy to live a "normal" life (we call it a "vanilla" life) during the day or when in public, but have your own secret BDSM life at other times.

Also, it's not at all uncommon for dynamic, dominant men or women to want to stop being in charge for a while and seek a submissive role.  For men, if they can't arrange this in their own relationship, they may seek out the services of a professional dominatrix.   

You note that you want to retain leadership in some aspects of your relationship and when in public.  That should not be a problem -- you simply have to negotiate that with your partner.  In my own case, I have authority over my partner with two exceptions: anything having to do with her work life or biological family.

Another point.  You know of dominants and submissives, but there is a third category (to which I personally belong) called "switches."  That is, mostly I'm dominant, but I treasure times when I can switch and be in a service mode as a submissive.

Now -- you've also said that you are very interested in learning about BDSM.  There are great books out there.  You might want to start with: "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns."  Also, here is a link to Amazon's ranking of the 100 best selling BDSM books: www.bdsmbooklist.com

If you live in a largish city, you should be able to find BDSM clubs. Try an Internet search just using the term BDSM with the name of your city.  There are also weekend conferences all over the country virtually every weekend where you can get intense exposure to the range of topics covered by the term BDSM.  A list of events can be found here: www.thebdsmeventspage.com/index.html

If you want more clarification or have follow-on questions, just ask.

In Leather Heart and Spirit...