AboutMistress Violette Expertise I can answer questions related to the practice of BDSM, especially involving relationship issues and personal interactions. My expertise is in helping people sort out thoughts and feelings, define problems and find solutions. I'm happy to apply my BDSM knowledge and experience to this. I'm not the best person for questions dealing with mechanical contraptions, the physics of BDSM or Gor related matters.
Experience Seventeen years of real time, face to face practice of BDSM in my own personal relationships, 4 years of professional experience in distance training.
Education/Credentials My traditional education includes both a bachelor's and master's degree. I have no formal education in BDSM. I know what I know from interacting with experienced players, reading, and hands on experience.
Question I will start with a little background on my relationship before asking my question. I met my Daddy about 4 years ago. We dated and had a regular relationship for a time and then a long distance relationship for a time. I broke up with him for a time but then after learning about the M/s lifestyle we decided to give it a try and I moved to another state to be near him about 9 mo ago and was collared about 4 mo ago. I lived with a roommate who was familiar with the lifestyle so it wasn't a problem. However I ended up having to move and and now live with other roommates. My Daddy has another vanilla relationship so he does not live with me.
Ok here is my problem. Having just moved to a new city and have new roommates. I get a lot of judgment and questions about being 30 and not married. They ask how long I have known my boyfriend, are we going to get married, why don't I live with him, etc.
How do I answer these questions without divulging my lifestyle or getting criticism. Some people think they need to warn me. They think he is married and using me, etc. I live in a fairly conservative town and am constantly judged for not being married or having kids by my age. I love my relationship with my Daddy and understand his need for more than one relationship. Part of the problem is I do love him so much that I can't help but talk about him which perhaps leaves me open to questions."
Answer Hello, Kristina,
I think you've pegged part of your problem. If you don't talk about your Daddy, you don't give people cause for concern or questions. On the other hand, you do want people to know you're in a relationship, that's only fair. You've already done that, so the next step is to handle the questions. I would also suggest talking about him less, if possible, or you're going to have to continue handling the questions.
When people ask why you aren't married or a parent, I think they don't mean to be rude and don't realize they are. Depending on who is asking you can say, "I know you don't mean to pry so let's talk about something else" and then change the subject. Or you can give a brief answer such as, "I'm not ready to do that right now" and then change the subject. Or you can say, "I'm happy with my life the way it is right now" and then change the subject. If the person persists, keep repeating variations on your original statement, don't get drawn into a discussion.
Other person: Why isn't a pretty girl like you married?
Kristina: I'm happy with my life the way it is right now.
OP: But don't you want a home of your own and children?
K: No, I'm happy with my life the way it is right now.
OP: But you're thirty years old. You should be a wife and mom by now.
K: But I'm happy with my life the way it is right now. So, how long have you known Bob and Joan?
Those who think he may be married are worried about you, so start by thanking them for their concern. Then explain that there are circumstances keeping you apart and, since they're your friends, you hope they can be comfortable with that, because you are. If you need or want to, you can also explain that it's a non traditional relationship, by your choice.
You don't actually own anybody any explanation. Telling people that is always an option, too, if the more diplomatic tack doesn't work. Sometimes, though, it helps just to remember that as you're being diplomatic.
Good luck, Kristina, I'm sure you'll do well the next time this comes up.
