Expert: arani_CsA - 7/6/2009

Question
While I have loads of fantasies and ideas roiling around in my brain, I have absolutely no experience in BDSM, and very little experience with sex in general (only 3 partners total, all of them very much in the mind set of "just let me handle everything." reciprocation wasn't "allowed"). Having been raised Mormon, I am fighting the mentality of "sex is bad, be ashamed!" that was engrained into my brain.
I have a friend who has been in the Lifestyle for a long time, and we've talked a little about it which is really helping that whole mentality problem, so I know that I would be considered a submissive. My friend is a submissive to men but a Domme to women, and has already claimed me as hers for the sake of public protection. She's also the only one that I haven't  balked at the idea of completely submitting to.
As such, would it be acceptable to ask my friend to be the one to introduce me to the BDSM lifestyle, be my Domme? Or is that overstepping bounds and/or crossing too many lines?

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your question.  I do apologize for my delay in answering it; my Master and I have recently moved to a new house and were without internet access for a couple of weeks.

First of all, welcome to the weird and wonderful world of BDSM.  I think you will find that this lifestyle is much more fulfilling than any other, once you become accustomed to what is involved.  

To give your question a quick answer, I don't think it would be unacceptable to ask your friend to be your Domme, and serve as your mentor as you venture into the lifestyle.  As she may have told you, there are different types of collars, that indicate that your relationship is a temporary one or exists for other purposes than signifying a deep and life-long bond between the two of you.  These include training collars and collars of consideration.  As part of your research into the lifestyle, you can explore the different types of collars and what they mean.

But there are other ways of safely entering the lifestyle.  Personally, I'm not wild about the idea of a new submissive accepting a collar too soon, without giving the matter a lot of consideration.  For most people, a collar is every bit as binding (emotionally and otherwise) as a wedding ring, and is intended to represent a deep and life-long bond that is much deeper than that felt by "vanilla" couples.  And I would hope that you would not accept a wedding ring without giving the matter a lot of serious thought, and carefully exploring whether you and your prospective mate are compatible.

My suggestion would be for you to spend some time learning about the lifestyle, if you have not already begun to do so.  (And you might want to consider discussing what you read with your friend, and asking her to help explain concepts that you don't understand right away.)  Bear in mind that there is a lot of misinformation out there on the web; anyone who has access to a computer can create a website and call themselves experts.  But here are some good places to start with:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html

Part of your learning should also include some time spent in self-discovery.  Think, and think a lot, about why you feel drawn to this lifestyle, and what exactly it is that you want to get out of it.  What are your needs and desires, and what are your limitations?  (In other words, are there places you don't want to be taken to, or things that you just don't want to do?)  This is a journey that will most likely occupy you for an entire life-time; I know I am still learning new things about myself after ten years as a slave.

I would also encourage you to find a BDSM group that meets in your local area.  (You can find a listing of such groups, by state, at http://www.drkdesyre.com)  Here you can interact with a number of people, and learn from more than just one.  You can observe how they interact with each other, and perhaps be able to witness (and even experience) things you might not otherwise have been able to expose yourself to.  And you can make friends who share your interests.

Please do be aware that submission is a powerful thing.  You will find yourself experiencing feelings and emotions that are totally foreign to you, and some of these may be so enjoyable and satisfying that you can find yourself losing perspective and diving into situations that may be unsafe, or may be unwise for various reasons.  You may find people telling you that you need protection, but if you arm yourself with knowledge and a little self-control, you shouldn't experience any serious difficulties.  

Consensuality is very important in our lifestyle, and any good Dominant will refrain from forcing himself (or herself) on you.  Strongly encourage, yes, but force, no.  A Dominant will want a submissive to yield to him willingly and of her own free will.  That said, do be careful about finding yourself alone with him/her, at least at first, until you feel confident that he has your best interests at heart and is not out to take advantage of you.  If you don't feel safe with anyone, whether privately or in a group, listen to your instincts and seek out other company.

Good luck to you, and good fortune in your journey.  If you have any further questions, feel free to bring them my way.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius