Expert: Robert Rubel - 7/29/2009

Question
Well i have been involved in bdsm for 6 months, just theory and online things,  i went to a party last weekend, my first party and i played with 2 Masters and everything was fine, i meet a Master and i liked him so much, we had a good flirt... he sent me a mail next day and i cant believe it!!, he is so experienced, well i noticed that he is married with his slave and i decided to stop the flirt cuz i didnt feel well about it, then i decided to ask him to be my mentor, he said that he is thinking about it but he need to know what i want from him as a mentor, i read that mentors dont have physical relationships with students, im asexual i only like pain, and i want him to spank me and things like that, may ask him for that or its inapropriated? i dont have a Master thats why i want him to teach me, i also want him to teach me to behave cuz i dont know how... please tell me what things i could ask him, i already offered him my power with no limits cuz is what i want, is that ok? i need an advice thank you.

About his slave (wife), i feel unconfortable when she is arround, she is always with him, i dont know why, its this normal? she is always in the group meetings, its ok that i talk with her?... well thank you...

Answer
Great question.  Unfortunately, the answer is fairly complex.

I need to start with some background.  The world of kink has two main sub-sets.  One is called "Leather" and the other is called "BDSM."  (Goreans, please don't vomit.  This isn't the place to explain what you're doing.)

The Leather side of the equation began as gay GIs returned from WWII and brought with them a code of conduct, the idea of earning rank, and a spiritual core (remember, this is 1945-50).  By the late 1950s this ultra secret society was participating in "rough sex."  Leather was a code name for someone who participated in rough sex.  In the beginning, it was all about gay sex.  

Within that past 20 or so years, the Leather culture has been somewhat diluted and many heterosexuals (including myself) identify themselves as Leather. In the Leather tradition, only those senior Sirs who have been given their Master's Cap IN A PUBLIC SETTING can call themselves a Master.  In the Leather world, you earn that rank though public service and helping other Leathermen in ways that show your honor and integrity.  Those who have earned Master's designation are called "Master XYZ" by other Masters.  If you have named yourself "Master" in the world of Leather, the other senior Masters are likely to decline to call you "Master XYZ;" you haven't earned the privileged to be called a Master.

"BDSM" is what the Leather folks call everyone who is kinky that is not Leather.  This aspect of kink grew out of the "swingers" movement in the late 1960s and 1970s.  Here, Dominants name themselves whatever they want regardless of their experience.  That is, someone who has been doing role-play as a Master on the Internet and who now starts to participate in real time, will make up a title for him/herself.  At his/her first event, he introduces himself as "Master ABC" or she introduces herself as "Mistress ABC."  As very few BDSMers even realize that there is a Leather tradition out there, they simply reply something like: "Hello Master ABC, I'm Lord Darkside."  (No offense, Darkside, I could have picked Master Evil, etc.)

There are many really basic differences between these two groups.  One difference is that in the Leather culture, it's far more likely that the submissive will ask a Master if he/she would be willing to play.  In the BDSM culture, the men are pretty much always on a hunt to play with new ladies and they usually initiate the first contact.

Now. This all bears directly on your letter.

You went to a play party and played with two people calling themselves "Master."  Unlike in the Leather culture, that doesn't tell you anything at all about their depth and breadth of experience, nor does it tell you whether they play responsibly (safe, sane, and consensual).  What I don't know from your letter, is whether this was a private play party or a public play party sponsored by a BDSM club.  One way to tell is that public play parties usually have "dungeon monitors" wandering around in day-glow red or yellow vests.  They have specific training to recognize unsafe play, and they also have the authority to stop a scene that they deem unsafe.

Back to the aspect of your question that asked about how all this works if the Master already is married or has his own slave.

The answer depends upon whether he and his wife/slave are also polyamorous.  Someone who is poly, as it's called, openly welcomes other people into their close circle of friends with whom they have sexual privileges.  If they have an open marriage and she welcomes you into a relationship with her husband, you're golden.  If not....

[Personal note: My slave and I (together over six years) have an open, poly relationship structure.  Over that period, we have welcomed about five Ladies to join us at various times -- not together.  I will play with BDSM and sex either privately or with my slave -- it depends on who wants to do what.  Oh, and my slave has three guys that she plays with, with or without me being there.  But I like the guys and she likes my Ladies.]

You are correct, you don't sleep with your mentor.  Depending on the city you live in, you may well find a structured mentoring program.  You may also go on Fetlife.com and put in your profile that you are actively seeking a mentor. A mentor should not only guide your readings in this area, but teach you not only safety issues about selecting your play partner but also the safety issues involved with a wide range of play activities.  That way, you'll have a fighting chance of knowing when the person playing you is unsafe.

If you wish primarily to be spanked and such, two suggestions.  First, search out the "spanko" community in your city.  It may be pretty well hidden, as spankos are far more secretive than BDSMers.  From personal knowledge, I know of spanking societies in San Antonio and Dallas, Texas.  From what I've heard from others, virtually every large city has such groups.  These groups often do a lot of role-play.  That is, everyone might be asked to dress up in a "school uniform" for the first day of school.  Obviously, there will be plenty of ways to make mistakes (after all, it's only your first day at school) that will require the Headmaster/Headmistress to discipline you....

The second suggestion is to get in touch with what is affectionately termed "the submissives' network" in your community and ask them whether person A, B, ... X is a safe player and would make a good mentor.  If you're really only interested in impact play (spanking, flogging, whips, paddles...) then ask them to guide you to the right people.

Your greatest risk, right now, is that you're just entering real world from the Internet.  In the real world, there are seriously sick pervs who sometimes manage to infiltrate the local scene.  In my experience, either the person is exposed and thrown out of the local club, or -- if it's borderline -- retained in the club but talked about among the submissives network.

Oh, by the way -- "Master/slave" terms and structures are usually VERY differently in the world of BDSM versus the world of Leather.

Two more "by the ways."  

First: Your phrasing about wanting to be to be disciplined leads me to suggest that you research a topic called "domestic discipline."  I think that you'll feel right at home.

Second: No it is absolutely NOT appropriate to offer anyone what is called a "no limits" contract.  Frankly, the "no limits" concept is too undefined to be meaningful.  What if he asked you to eat dirt.  How about s**t?  How about asking you to go to work to support him?  So, you don't mean "no limits," and you DO need to do some online research about how to negotiate a play contract.  There are lots of lists.  Just pick one that is fairly straightforward.  Disregard the lists that include hundreds of kink topics; you're too new in this world for many of them even to mean anything (take "handballing" as an example).

You mentioned that you're uncomfortable when his wife is around because she's always with him.  I would think that's the way it generally is.  If he struck up a relationship with you, it could only be done ethically with the specific approval of his existing wife/slave.  In my life, the fastest way to tank a relationship with a new lady is to start negotiating roles/responsibilities with her before introducing her to my slave over dinner and involving her in setting out the boundaries.  [Boundaries: can he spend the night with you?  Can he penetrate you?  Can he play with you when she's not present?  Etc]

I'll stop, now.  You may want to look over the top 100 BDSM books being sold by Amazon.  That site is www.bdsmbooklist.com

I do hope that you get yourself safely connected with your local community.  They're bound to be a very interesting group.

FYI, I'm 64 and the author of a four-book set on Master/slave relations.