Expert: Mistress Violette - 7/23/2009

Question
This is really more of a relationship question than a BDSM question and I apologize for the length and appreciate you reading the whole thing. I've always been drawn to pain.  I'm not sure why, but it has always given me a release that I could not experience any other way.  Immediately when I first lost my virginity years ago, I realized that I needed this pain in my sex life as well.  However, this is something I've always had a hard to conveying to partners and in relationships...mostly because the partners always seem to be scared by the smallest 'kinky' things to begin with.  I've had many vanilla relationships with guys I cared about, but something was still missing.  I often found that I ended up being controlling in a relationship in order to keep life interesting, but really I just longed for someone to control me...and no one ever seemed willing.  I have a strong personality, am college educated from a very good school, and am currently pursing graduate degrees with hopes of having a relatively high powered job.  Anyhow, at the beginning of last school year, I began dating a guy who I was immediately drawn to.  It didn't last long as he'd just gotten out of a long relationship, etc etc. Months later, he began seeing another girl, although I didn't realize this.  Randomly, he and I were talking one day, and we both realized we were into S&M..at least on the sex side, he being a D and I being an s. We eventually had a scene, and it was the most amazing feeling I'd ever had in my life.  Apparently, it was up there for him as well. Neither of us had ever been in a relationship that would allow such things. However, we decided to leave it at that, because it scared both of us a bit.  We stopped talking for a month or so--perhaps out of awkwardness, in which time he and the other girl he had been saying grew more serious.  They are currently still dating.  However, in the following months, he pursued me relentlessly, and would begin talking to me as though we were in a master/slave relationship... only for one of us to stop it feeling guilty. As he and his gf continued dating, this stopped for a while.  But, it's like a drug; neither of us can stay away.  A month ago, we were alone in his house together, for the first time in almost a year. I'm ashamed to say, that we were 'this close' to having sex, but then I began crying--I have high morals and can not be 'the other woman'.  Plus, I've realized that I really care for him...and I realize what he's doing isn't fair to me at all.  He obviously apologized a million times over, saying what a horrendous person he was, but how he couldn't leave me alone, because I'm exactly his brand of heroin. However, I've never met anyone who understands me and what I need so well.  We've spent hours at a time discussing our ideal D/s lifestyle, that we have both realized we want. And I've never known anyone who I was so willing to give myself to and who needed to inflict pain and be in control as much as I needed to feel it and to be controlled, and who is at a similar place in life with me, education-wise, career-wise, etc. It's hard enough finding someone to care about, and have a loving relationship with in the vanilla world.  Asking for that plus someone who understands exactly what I need as a sub, seems like too much. I'm confused enough with my mixed feelings of guilt over my desires in the first place.  I realize I shouldn't feel guilty, or anti-feminist, but the feelings often creep up anyway.  Adding the situation in, it makes for me feeling used--yet unable to stop coming back for more.  I really don't understand how he can be in a vanilla relationship with no hope of changing that with his current girlfriend, when he clearly needs a D/s situation as much as I do. And both of us agree that we need closed relationships without other participants or partners in that setting.  I'm not really sure what exactly my question is to be honest.  I'd just like some advice...

Answer
Hello, Natashas,

It's no wonder you're feeling confused; you're in a confusing situation. We're complicated creatures and we find ourselves in complicated situations. You've taken the first step to unraveling yours by realizing you have a relationship problem rather than a BDSM one. The problem is, the BDSM elements are obscuring the situation. The first thing I'm going to suggest is that you strip those elements away and then take a look. If you remove the BDSM, what do you have? A man who is in a committed relationship but pursuing another woman. The fact that he could fulfill many needs of yours doesn't change that. You already know this, though, since you don't want to be the other woman. You just need some ideas about how to sort things out.

Here's the most important consideration. This is a man who has shown himself willing to cheat and is already lying. Are you sure you want to give him the responsibility a sub gives a dom? Do you want to trust him with not just your physical safety but your emotional safety, as well?

Although you offer him something more than his girlfriend does, he still has the girlfriend. That means she offers him many some things that you don't. Although you "need" BDSM to feel satisfied, it's not a need in the sense that people can't live without it. Lots of BDSM people live reasonably happy vanilla lives. Of course, if you allow this relationship to develop, he doesn't have to settle or to make a choice. He can have his cake and eat it, too.

That's not to say a person can't have a primary vanilla relationship and a secondary BDSM one. It's just that a situation like that has to be known to all parties and agreed to by all parties. The relationship you're contemplating is missing the consent of one party.

Please don't allow him to talk to you "as though [you] were in a master/slave relationship." You're not. A master/slave relationship needs to be negotiated, with explicit agreement. When he did that he was being manipulative, at the least. In his own inexperience, he may not have known that. You can do him a favor by not letting it happen again.

You're experiencing something you longed to have in your life. It's natural for you to think the person who can give that to you is unique, but that's not the case. There are plenty of people who could do this for you. There's no shortage of dominant men but there are fewer female submissives. With patience, you'll be able to find someone with whom you're compatible. That includes being willing to respect and cherish you.

I think you'd do well to get involved with a BDSM group. If you're in a university town there's likely a local group. If not, unless you're in a very isolated area, there's one nearby. Do a search for "bdsm support groups" and you should find them. Some groups, like People Exchanging Power (PEP) make it a point to help newcomers. Read discussion boards online, go to get togethers offline, meet people, make friends and learn. You've been seduced by this opportunity because your BDSM world is limited. Expand it and you'll see your opportunities, and chances for a fulfilling relationship, grow.

You're a smart woman, Natashas. My sense is you've figured out most of this and I'm confirming what you already knew. It won't be easy but you have the strength and ability to do what's best for you. When you have, you'll be at the start of an amazing journey. I wish you the best on your travels.

Mistress Violette