Expert: ziggy ziegler - 7/9/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hello,
My partner has requested that I do research on how to be a "true sub". I have never done anything like this before and I am interested but I don't really know how to truly be sexually submissive. I would like to learn so I may have a pleasing experience as a sub, I'm just not sure where to start. I guess I'm just looking for a few pointers. I have read up on the definition of submission so I am familiar with the term. It's more the actions and behaviors of a sub that I am looking to learn. Will you please help me?
Thank you

ANSWER: Hello there

Thank you for the question....

Addmittedly i dont care for the term 'True sub"  To me a person who wishes to submit to the will of another... either in bed or as part of the relationship dynamic is true enough.. The level of your submission is what you want of it.. For every person there is a differant way they submit and for each person its personal.

For learning more there are a number of resouces. If you like to read. Becoming a slave" and slave craft"  and Fantasy Made Flesh are very good books.. I realize the first twe titles say slave but it is easily adapted to being a submissive.The third book is also good in that it sparks the imagination on developing and acting on ones fantasies. There are a number of other books out there that are fiction but not knowing what your interests are its hard to know what to recommend. There are also a few sites where there are discussions on various topics pertaining to submission. www.fetlife.com is the one i recommend. Another resource might be closer than you think... do a google search "BDSM  group and your city or a larger city close to you

The idea behind that is to be able to talk with people who are doing the submissive thing.. it can also be interesting for your partner to talk to people who are in the dominant role there are definately something to learn from people in real time.

i could go into very lengthy "submissives are" but its been my experience that through experience  and experimenting you will become the submissive you wish to be for your partner.

I hope i have offered you some ideas as to start with.. if i can answer any specific questions i would be more than happy to do so

warmest regards
slave ziggy

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for that great advice. I have done some reading but more fictional. There is a series of erotic literature by Anne Rice written as A.N. Roquelaure. If you are familiar with this series that may help you understand what I am looking for. I want to be a slave and learn how to submit. I will take your advice and talk with those who know. I am also seeking the source of this desire. I wonder what it is in me that wants to be humiliated and punished. If humiliation is not the right word I do apologize but that is how I see it. I am very rebellious be nature but I do want to be dominated. I also have rape fantasies that I hope to fulfill with my partner. I wonder why do I want him to inflict pain? I want to cry. I want to be humiliated but I don't really understand the psychology behind this. Is it damaging to explore this?

Answer
Greetings

Yes i am familar with the series.. another is called the Market Place series... although fiction i very much enjoyed reading them.. but i digress.

Perhaps this will help some. I would not consider myself submissive in nature ( personality) How i walk in the world is not as a submissive but as a strong self assured person. However when with my owner i am hers for the taking.. I am for her purpose and her pleasure no questions. I make a clear distinction between how i am with others and how i am with her. I came to realize that it is the person i submit to. I have all the same feelings you do and yes humilation is the right word.

The root of that for me is "Trust" i want to trust my owner ( not just anyone) to the degree that no matter what she does ( humlation pain rape) i know i can trust her and the bond that trust creates heals everything. The pain and tears washes away the world were normal is a weight that wears me down. When i am submitting to her weather it be to bring her a cup of tea or let her spank me till my ass is glowing red and i am sobing like a baby... in that very moment the world is in perfect balence... smiles sorry about the poetic license... anyway i also get rape fantasies... what is in society one of the worst types of assult is an opportunity to give up give in so that we can feel their control over us and therefor somehow we are made free by this.

Crying for me is a release of all the stuff i keep in check day in and day out..

Is it damaging to explore this?.... well as a councelor i have to give the usual word of causion...work out your safe words in the event that you begin to feel emotional distress or a sense of flashing back to some traumatic experience. Some people use BDSM as a way to work out old issues  or experiences... Where is i think BDSM with a trusted partner who is willing to go slow ( sometimes very slow) can be helpful. You have to be clear also with your partner what you would like to accomplish.... although it think it can be helpful if therapy is what is needed please do that as well.

Now the kinster side of me... i think that anything can be damaging and that is a fact that most of us SMers accept. Even a spanking if he hits your tail bone can hurt like hell and not in a good way. WHat ever you explore know the risks both physically and emotionally but dont be afraid to learn how both of you can play and feel safe doing it. The two can work out what is needed after a play session.. we call this after care. It can be cuddling with a blanket naked at his feet or passionate love making. Whatever you work out please try to make it connective... i say this because when you are role playing its easy to slip into role ... the bad girl getting a spanking from a strict teacher... and forget you are still loving parnters when it all over.

Ok sorry i kinda got on a roll.... please feel free to write back with more questions if none of this or some of this makes any sense.. lol

warmest regards

slave ziggy