Expert: awhitecloud - 7/28/2009

Question
Apologies this isn’t in the 'fetish' section, but there’s no one appropriate to answer. If anyone can answer this/offer an alternative course of action, then you deserve a medal!

I'm a female in a poly relationship, and one of my partners is an adult baby/diaper lover. He has come to the conclusion that poly is no longer for him. I know it's for me.

How It Began
He told me what he was into a few months after we got together. I’m honoured he chose to tell me, as it cannot be easy. He spent a long time alone before we met each other, as he was reluctant to show his fetish. I spent a long time not being able to express my dominant kinks in a previous long term, monogamous relationship.

The Problem
While I respect and appreciate that he cannot orgasm unless thinking of the subject, I can no longer bring myself to join in. We used to have ab/dl daddy/daughter play (with him as the daughter), but I found myself being close to tears afterwards. I've researched it, and asked for links he finds of interest. In order to help him understand that I don't resent it, I've bought him a fair few presents; stuffed toys, dummies, rubber pants, underwear, bottles etc.

The Other Side
And now for the flip side... I'm a natural dom (not a mommy/daddy) - but only when I'm content enough to have the energy to give. For the first few months of our relationship, I was able to give him (and myself) wonderful experiences in the bdsm sense, as he had yet to tell me of the ab/dl. While the two major aspects of our relationship (poly & sex) are this stressful, I simply don’t have the emotional, sexual or physical energy to do the bdsm aspects that we both enjoy. I began suffering from lack of arousal and inorgasmia. My libido suffered greatly as a result of the problems, which only makes it worse. He talks about sex rather a lot, and in times of stress, the more he pushes and talks about how much he masturbates, the less and less I want sex. It reminds me of my inadequacies and my inability to satisfy him, thus repeating the circle, and it also has an effect on my other relationship.

Compromise
At the moment, he's very reluctant to share it anymore, as he feels ashamed. I’m ashamed also. Not because of what he likes (as I cannot resent someone for that), but the fact I cannot physically and actively take part in it. As I understand it, if we have vanilla sex (which is all I’ve felt up to for a long while), he can only orgasm while thinking about porn or fantasies. It hurts, but I understand it. While I cannot satisfy him sexually, we do sometimes go through the emotional aspects, such as bottle feeding while holding him against me, spoon feeding, hair stroking. I know the basis of this is the feeling of being nurtured, cared for, comfort, stress relief and arousal. He has hated himself over this for so long, it's ruined past relationships, and I hate myself for contributing to his feelings. Compromise is a big part of a relationship, but what are the options when though you love each other dearly, the other's needs are your hard limits (his fetish and my poly)? I have tried to compromise by having sex and sexual intimacy in this way, but can now only handle kissing and stroking him while he masturbates in his diapers. This is not on the cards now, due to his insecurities. This is frustrating for both of us, particularly him, as he feels he’s the one that’s making the sacrifices. He masturbates a lot, as much as 5 x per day, in order to get his needs out, as he doesn’t want to burden me.

The Result
He (or should I say we) have problems with his anxiety. I have not treated him the way I should with regards to poly (not seeing him very often as I had three partners, having to cancel things). This, and the circumstances of a previous relationship going sour over a similar problem has left him with serious anxiety over the thought of me leaving him, coupled with no longer being able to express that side sexually with me.  We also have a problem with my being emotionally distant as a reaction (again, a circular response, as the anxiety stems from my distance). He needs constant contact with me, though I spend 4/6 days a week with him already. He’s trying to work on his neediness and anxiety, and I’m trying to work on not distancing myself. Unfortunately, my side is not going very well.

The Good Side
But it’s not all doom and gloom. I’ve never had someone treat me as well as he does, and he makes me feel so special. We get along well with each others families too. Although I’m generally a calm person, I have treated him terribly at times when I’m stressed, which is a deep regret, and only fuels his depression.


My question is perhaps to find out if there any options you know of that we may not have thought of.

As they say, the way forward, is through. Do we:
a) save up for professional 'treats' for him?
b) continue with doing acts we'd each rather not be doing?
c) only have purely bdsm based sex, and still be unfulfilled?
d) find a non-pro mommy/daddy for him? (he would rather not have this, and females are sadly lacking in number)
..or something else entirely?

As for the poly aspect, do we:
a) accept that we have different long term needs, and go our separate ways?
b) we’ve spoke of the possibility of having an open relationship, but neither of us want empty encounters, nor do we want monogamy. What are the options?
c) taking time out?
…or something else?

Call us mad, but we love each other, want to be together, and have made plans for spending life together. My partner is unbelievably attractive, and more kind than I deserve.


Answer
As they say, the way forward, is through. Do we:
a) save up for professional 'treats' for him?
b) continue with doing acts we'd each rather not be doing?
c) only have purely bdsm based sex, and still be unfulfilled?
d) find a non-pro mommy/daddy for him? (he would rather not have this, and females are sadly lacking in number)
..or something else entirely?


I would look for him to have a mommy/daddy outside of your relationship.  I know personal we play and do not have play as a part of the sex life.  You can or could be together with him having the baby needs meet outside of your relationship. You both need to have your needs meet one way or another.  I know personally that at times it takes more then one person in your life to meet the needs.  And that is what Poly is all about.


As for the poly aspect, do we:
a) accept that we have different long term needs, and go our separate ways?
b) we’ve spoke of the possibility of having an open relationship, but neither of us want empty encounters, nor do we want monogamy. What are the options?
c) taking time out?
…or something else?

I think I covered this in some aspects in the answer to the question above. You are in a hard place and yes in the end it might be best to just not keep trying together, but I can NOT tell you that and I will not.  That has to come from the hearts of you both and what is best.  

I know at times the only BDSM that I have in my life at all is outside of our home, as is the case for the Dom.  But we talk and we are both okay with this.  We have agreed and it works for at times we have a brake form the whole BDSM thing at home together.  Sometimes you just need a brake, time to think and learn and be with like minded people.  You might look into local munches in your area if you do not already attend them, for they can offer different views on things.

This is a touchy place to be and I do not ant to be what you base this major decision on at all.  We all have different views and we all live different ways and that is what makes the lifestyle work in my life, I can be different and not be judged fr it.  So be open and talk and find what ever ways to communicate with each other, and do not just make a judgment call on this search your heart and then look at what to do.  If you need someone to talk with or want to talk more or even all three of us to talk well write me back and make it private and I will make sure you can reach me outside of the site.

Thank you for the question and for even thinking that I might know something to help you.  It is an honor.

awhitecloud