Expert: arani_CsA - 7/8/2009

Question
Hi,
First a little bit about us….into what some would call soft bdsm, fun mainly reserved for the bedroom, enjoy vanilla sex as much as the bdsm. Enjoy mild punishment, paddle, light flogging but especially orgasm control.  Been playing on and off for a couple of years, but would describe ourselves as inexperienced.
Our question is that during recent play I completely off the top of my head said to my wife that it was safe and completely ok for her to cry if she needed to. (We have our safe words in place). Much too both our surprise she burst into tears during a flogging session.
I think we handled it very well, holding her until she composed herself and then we continued to play. I have no idea why I said she could cry and she has no idea why she did.
Is this something that subs experience? It almost feels like we have found a new level, but are not sure where this could lead.
Any advice or incite into the crying episode would be great.


Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your question.  I do apologize for my delay in answering it; my Master and I have recently moved to a new house and were without internet access for a couple of weeks.  I will attempt to provide you with the answers you are looking for.

What you and your girlfriend recently experienced is actually not at all uncommon.  Many bottoms/submissives/slaves encounter a period of tears or other emotional release during, or at the end of, an intense scene.  In fact, I often cry during the period immediately following a good flogging.  And I welcome those tears.

There are a couple of things that could be going on here.  It could simply be a matter of your girlfriend having submitted to you to the extent that, if you tell her it is alright to cry, she may subconsciously interpret this as a command to cry during a scene.  There are a lot of unconscious thought processes that go on for both parties in a relationship such as yours, and sometimes it can be quite surprising when these surface.

I hope that you have established that your girlfriend is not reacting out of fear of you or any treatment that she might experience at your hands, or that she does not feel pressured into doing something she does not truly want to do.  Trust is a very big factor in this kind of interaction, because you quite literally have her life in your hands.  She needs to trust that you are going to ensure her mental and physical welfare in mind.

What is most likely happening here is that your girlfriend is entering subspace, perhaps more deeply than she has previously.  If this is a term you have not encountered before, this refers to the flow of endorphins that flood the body of the submissive person, during such play as you have described (or at other times).  This is a natural response of the body to stressful situations, and can be likened to what a marathon runner or weight lifter experiences when they push their bodies beyond the threshold of pain.  (You can read more about it at http://www.steel-door.com/Sub_Space.html)

The body will typically go through a number of changes while emerging from subspace.  This can be considered similar to the wearing off of a powerful mind-altering drug, as the body returns to its more "normal" state.  In my case, I will typically experience a shaking of my hands or other parts of the body, and the shedding of varying amounts of tears.  This is not necessarily a negative thing, but is more likely due to the body's attempt to restore some sort of equilibrium.  Avoiding this can actually be harmful.

Also, an intense scene may bring to the surface powerful emotions that have been hiding in the subconscious.  There is a powerful release that comes from submitting to another person in this way, so that you aren't even in control of your own thoughts or emotions.  (And this is the state that many couples strive for.)  There is a sense of being able to shed all of those negative feelings, and to place yourself at the mercy of another so completely.  

But this also means that you, as the Dominant, have a tremendous responsibility.  It is up to you to ensure your girlfriend's safety, both physically and emotionally.  She needs to know, without a doubt, that you have her welfare in mind and will not allow lasting harm to come to her.  And that includes providing whatever level of care she needs while coming down from a scene.  

Different people need different kinds of aftercare.  I don't need very much.  I prefer to sit quietly by myself while my Master is cleaning up and putting away his toys, savoring those feelings that have come to the surface, and holding onto them for as long as possible.  My Master will usually keep an eye on me to ensure that I'm doing okay, and will usually insist that I drink some water.  But other people require a period of nurturing, including some cuddling or wrapping in a warm blanket.  Physical contact with you or with others may or may not be required.  Sex may or may not take place.  It's really something that the two of you are going to have to experiment with.

I suspect that the two of you are ready to take your relationship to a new level, as you have suggested.  I recommend that you both spend some time learning more about the lifestyle, and determining where you fit into it.  This will include an exploration of why you are drawn to this, and identification of your needs and desires.  Here are some good places to begin your learning:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html

I also suggest that the two of you find a BDSM group that meets in your local area.  (You can find a listing of such groups, by state, at http://www.drkdesyre.com)  Here you can meet other couples, including those who just enjoy a little kinky play in the bedroom and those who are in full-blown Master/slave relationships.  You can learn how they handle their feelings and desires, and pick up some practical tips for playing safely.  And you can simply enjoy being with other people who share your interests.

Good luck to you.  If you have any further questions, please feel free to bring them to me.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius