Expert: Mistress Violette - 7/25/2009

Question
Hi, I'm new to this and would like pointers in helping my boyfriend take control of our sexual play.  He is  pleaser and as much as i enjoy that, i'd really like to bring out his dom side. I know its there, because he controls our relationship entirely. Bt as soon as we're in bed, he changes. Any suggestions? Are there books, articles, groups? Anything to help?

Answer
Hello, Wendy,

Thinking someone wants to be dominant in the bedroom because he's dominant in other aspects of his life is a common mistake. The truth is, lots of submissives are high powered, take charge people in many areas of life, while many dominants are low key people. So it's entirely possible your boyfriend doesn't want to take charge of your sexual play.

Another thing to consider is that "taking control" of your sexual play could be just that, not dominance and submission at all. You see, dominance and submission is based on an overt, negotiated exchange of power. BDSM people enjoy a wide range of activities, but they do BDSM because they love playing with power, not just playing. If what you're interested in is variation in your sex life, chances are you're not BDSM; you're a person with a healthy sexual appetite who has some desires she'd like to see fulfiiled.

Have you tried just asking for what you want? Be direct in your communication. Tell him your interests specifically, describe the things you'd like him to do, and ask if that would turn him on. You might find he's interested in doing those things but needed to know you'd like that.

Another possibility is that he's sexually submissive. You could discover that he wants you to control your sex play. If that turns out to be the case, maybe the two of you could experiment with taking turns being controlling in the bedroom. Either way, this is a situation that can only get better with communication.

If it is power exchange that interests you, there are a number of sites where you can learn about the different ways people do BDSM. As you explore them, you'll find suggestions for introducing a partner to BDSM. Here are a few to get you started:

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Power_exchange/
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/

A book that might arouse his interest is Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, by Phillp Miller and Molly Devon. It's a down to earth explanation of BDSM, with lots of information about techniques. Sometimes people are reluctant only because they don't know what to do. If that's the case with your boyfriend, this book can help

You can also do a search for BDSM support groups. You'll find online discussion groups with lots of information and suggestions, as well as offline groups, should you get to the point where you'd like to meet and talk with others with similar interests.

No matter what you and your boyfriend find out about yourselves and your interests, I think you'll making some exciting, and fun, discoveries. Good luck and have fun!

Mistress Violette