Expert: Robert Rubel - 7/13/2009

Question
Fuck your "instructions". You have no control over me.

It's been posted:

"For any Dominant to court a collared submissive is considered
an extreme breach of protocol and it should be noted that such
action could have a serious negative impact on that Dominant's
reputation. The traditions of our community should be given the
same honor, dignity and respect of any other. Those that
actively diminish or devalue what is precious to us should be
aware that such diminishment identifies you as being EXTERNAL to
our community or a parasite upon it. If you are one that mocks
our traditions, then it would be best if you return to your
world where honor is non-existent, honesty impossible to find
and trust is just something left by rich relatives who pass
away."

What a bunch of shit you bastards and bitches are spouting! What
of the motherfucker who collared my wife of over thirty years?
Where's the breach of protocol in that? Will his reputation be
diminished in your fucking sick community? No, I'm sure high
fives will be slapped all around for pulling a mentally ill
vanilla slut into bondage and servitude, if only for a few hours
each month so this "master" can get his rocks off.

May wrath much more than I can give fall on your pathetic heads.

Answer
I'm sorry that you've had this experience.  On the surface facts, I support your anger.

Within our community, "consent" is the cornerstone to having an honest and ethical relationship with someone.  That this person collared your wife without obtaining your consent is, itself, an unforgivable situation.

And yes, this person's reputation would be badly damaged if the leaders in your BDSM community found out about your reaction.  You do, in fact, have recourse that way; this man is undoubtedly a member of one of your local BDSM clubs -- go to that leadership and lay out your case.  In the clubs in my home town, there are specific mechanisms set up to deal with unethical actions by club members.  Once this story gets into the community, I'd be surprised whether he'll again find anyone who will trust him.

The passage you quoted is, though, very accurate.  

May I gently propose some thoughts?

1) Have you spoken with your wife about what is not going well in your relationship that caused her to seek another Dominant?  By the way, with your emotions so tied up in this, you may want to discuss this with her in a therapist's office.  If not, I urge you to do some research about how to use "talking sticks" to settle complex and emotion-laden issues, such as this.  When you follow the rules of using talking sticks, you can work through extremely hurtful situations.  I've written about using them in my book: Master/slave Relations: Solutions 402 -- Living in Harmony.  That book is about solving problems similar to that you are now involved in.

NOTE:  Master/slave dynamics are substantially different than Dominant/submissive dynamics that are different from Daddy/girl dynamics, etc.  Not better/worse, just very different.  These are relationship structures and do not speak at all to BDSM (bondage, discipline, sado-masochism or "kink") in the relationship.  The people who seek out the BDSM community have eroticized pain.  They get pleasure out of feelings most of us consider painful.)  I'm not clear from your letter whether the man involved is presenting himself as a Dominant or a Master.

2) You might consider reading the book: "When Someone You Know is Kinky."  If you want other book suggestions, please write back to me.

3) In any community, including a community of priests, you have bad actors -- people who break rules.  Please don't judge our community based on your own horrible experience.  This in no way excuses what this man has done to your marriage.

I'll stop, now, but please write back if I can assist you further.  I'm 64 and have lived in a 24/7 Master/slave structure for about six years.  Not only do I have my own slave, but that slave was given to me by my Owner to compensate for areas/interests that she could not, herself, fulfill.  I lecture on Master/slave relations all over the country at weekend events where these topics are discussed.

Bob