Expert: Mistress Violette - 7/6/2009

Question
I am 34y/o and have recently come into touch with my submissive qualities and am able to talk about my fantasies of being a slave to a dominant woman more openly, which involves a variety of humiliation, bondage and being used.  This has been possible through therapy and it does feel great.  However, the experience that led me to this point I have to admit I am still confused about.

Recently I had an acute intimacy with an older woman that I wish was not so acute at times.  She was very sexually driven and was always clear to me that she sees other men(She even talked to them over the Internet right in front of me, but that was fine).  Sex began very early in this affair(first night I met her in fact) and she showed a hint of sarcasm in the form of criticizing my very short stamina which felt kind of brutal for she knew it had been a long time since I had been sexual with anyone, but I over looked it, or atleast I thought I did.  So we continued with the affair with the idea in her mind that she was going to teach me, which I found out from her later and I still don't know what it is she needed to teach me!  So overlooking that first incident of brutal sarcasm I continued to be a student only unaware of it Lol.  She immediately began asking about my fantasies which I was not intouch with at the time, so not going into any detail I did mention bondage and right away she began introducing strap-ons and chastity devices which I clearly let her no I was not ready for this but lets give it sometime.  She also showed many rude personality characteristics like being the center of attention around her friends which we always seemed to be hanging out with and when we did hang out with my friends I noticed it also.  She talked very negatively about her past relationships and there seemed to be alot of holes in her stories.  She also dominated conversations about herself and never asked about my life and my needs, outside of sex of course.  I would consciously overlook these things thinking that it is OK for she is a dominatrix, but I realize now how stupid that was, and it showed up in the many times that I had erectile dysfunction when being sexually vanilla with her, so feeling guilty I began to open up about my fantasies more and started out playing with her using her toys on me, and things seemed to get better with the erectile dysfunction being less frequent, but that was not enough for her, and she told me that she thought that I was gay(she used to go out with another women as well, and she claims her son is gay also), and I worked very hard to convince her otherwise and was successful for the time being, but it did not last for we planned a trip and during that trip she arranged for the both of us to be with another man and said that I would be performing things with him as well, I was reluctant but she said that it's not a big deal in a very arrogant way it seemed now that I remember.  Before the trip she seemed to be becoming more and more distant, and I talked to her about it, and she admitted that she was having an affair with a married man for almost a year before we met, I was not bothered so much by this because she did mention this in the beginning.  We still decided to go on our trip and have an MMF but needless to say I never was able to become erect, neither was the other gentlemen, both of them were drunk to, so she became angry and did not want me around and told me to be with him, when we returned from that trip she ended our attachment saying I was gay again, and not boyfriend material, I found out she was really looking to be double teamed which she never mentioned beforehand, but she would still call me apologizing and asking me to come and see her so that she can have me on a string, she even told me she loved me after all that happened, making me believe she came to her senses, again how stupid.

I was hurt really bad, but I am taking responsibility for that, because I was not listening to my sensitivity when I should have, but I still ponder about myself and wonder if I am to sensitive for BDSM, clearly this woman is ignorantly arrogant and irresponsibly selfish, but for when I meet that next dominatrix who won't be like her, do I need to thicken my skin and roll with the punches better, that is what is really confusing me.  I am in therapy but he doesn't seem to be informed in BDSM as much as you do, so I really appreciate your insight.

Thank you,
Jason,

Answer
Hello, Jason,

The person you're describing seems a little suspect in the area of being a competent dominant. It sounds like she knew little about the use of toys and even less about BDSM. So, first, there's nothing wrong with you, your desires or the way you think a relationship should be conducted. In your inexperience you gave your submission too soon, to someone who didn't deserve it. It happens, so don't be too hard on yourself. And a happy result is you've already begun to learn from the experience.

BDSM is negotiated. You don't enter into a relationship until there's been lots of discussion and getting to know each other. You have to talk over your ideas and concepts, as well as play. That will tell you if you're at least somewhat compatible. You need to figure that out long before you allow yourself to be vulnerable. As you've seen, it's not fun to bow down to a person just because she calls herself a dominant. She has to show you, by her actions. If a prospective dominant won't talk with you, doesn't ask or answer questions, doesn't listen, think several times before submitting to her.

Being submissive doesn't mean you don't have a say in how you're treated. Once the relationship is formed, you may give up control but that's after you've determined that your dominant will take care of you and keep you safe, physically and emotionally. If a submissive has self esteem issues it's the job of the dominant to not make those worse. You're not too sensitive, Jason, you just got involved with someone who didn't know her stuff.

The best way for you to protect yourself in the future is to learn all you can about healthy BDSM. As you read answers here you'll see recommendations for web sites and books that have to do with real time BDSM. I think it would help you on more than one level if you looked into them. It's a fallacy that a submissive needs to be "trained" by a dominant. While only your dominant can teach you how to please her, you can learn almost everything else you need to know about BDSM on your own. Then, the next time, you can make a decision that will result in a more fulfilling experience for you.

Mistress Violette