About arani_CsA Expertise I am available to answer any questions you might have about Master/slave relationships. While my Master and I are Gorean, I have intimate knowledge of other forms of consensual slavery as well. I can offer advice in the areas of learning to come to an understanding of one's slave nature, learning how to best please one's owner, and other problems that come up in the day-to-day life of a slave.
Experience I was collared by my Master on May 6, 2000, and on Nov. 8, 2003 became his wife as well. Prior to that time, I wore the collars of two other men.
Publications My website, which can be located at http://www.geocities.com/dancer_of_gor/index.html
Education/Credentials I have an advanced degree in the health professions. In addition, I have been a slave for over ten years, and during that time was trained by three different Masters with regards to slavery in general as well as how to serve them in particular. One of these Masters required me to train the other slaves in his chain.
Awards and Honors At one time, I was given the rather dubious honor of being voted the "Sexiest Slave" in Yahoo Gor. I don't take this too seriously, and don't encourage anyone else to do so either.
Question QUESTION: Hi my name is Kat, I'm 20 years old. my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years- since we were 14. He is my best friend, and a few months ago I revealed to him that I wanted a master. I have always felt this sort of need ever since I can remember, but didn't know why until recently doing research. I have discussed the topic many times with him, and have done thorough research about it. He has seemed interested, and we have tried various things, including a set of ground rules and expectations. The thing is, he is hot and cold (yeah, like the song) sometimes he is very dominant, and then later he will hold back it seems, and be carefree about it. It's like he thinks it is a game, even though i have explained to him in detail that it's not to me. He won't stick to his end if that makes sense. I feel a need for the structure that comes out of a D/s relationship, and I'm not getting it. Frankly, it is all or nothing for me, I will either have a master or I wont. He says he is into it and wants to, but when I try to communicate with him about it, he actually gets almost angry with me, and tells me he doesn't want to talk about it because it's boring. Is it just his lack of communication skills? If so, will it ruin any chances of a D/s relationship working out? Should I give it time? I mean it kind of hurts when I have expressed with him my deepest secret. Perhaps I need to leave it all in my head. But why is he giving me mixed signals? Do you think it's possible to develop that kind of relationship with him if he is at least somewhat willing to learn about it? Or should I stick with the vanilla?
ANSWER: Hello...
Thank you for coming to me with your questions. I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.
It is good that you have done some research into the BDSM lifestyle, and that you have discussed what you have learned with your boyfriend. However, I have found that I am still learning -- even after 10 years as a slave. I have discovered a tremendous amount about myself, and about my needs and why I am drawn to this lifestyle. And, I have to say that the person I am now is nothing at all like the one I was 10 years ago. When I first met my Master, he told me that I would be experiencing something like peeling the layers off an onion. When one layer is peeled off, revealing things you perhaps didn't even expect to find there, you find still another layer to be peeled off.
I also suggest that you spend some time learning about the differences between M/s and D/s relationships. It appears to me, from what you have said about your needs, that you are more in search of a Master/slave relationship, whereas your boyfriend may be more attracted to the Dominant/submissive lifestyle. Many D/s couples will incorporate varying levels of control in their relationships; some may only be interested in a little kinky play in the bedroom, others will want increasing amounts of control. And the differences not only have to do with the amount of time involved, or the extent of the submission, but also the reasons for seeking out that particular kind of relationship. A slave may not be submissive at all, and may instead be looking for an almost spiritual kind of guidance in her life.
Most people who are thinking about entering into an M/s or D/s relationship have a period of negotiation before formalizing the relationship. This is where they share with each other what they are looking for or need, and also what they are willing and able to bring to the relationship. If they have limitations of any kind, or are inexperienced in certain areas, they share this information as well. For example, when my Master and I were in this getting-acquainted stage, I shared with him that I have certain health problems. He then decided that there would be some things I would not be required to do. Some submissives may make it clear that they don't care for anal sex or bondage, or some such thing. Then, when both parties come to an agreement as to what the relationship is going to consist of, they may sign a contract that spells these things out.
I think that you and your boyfriend need to sit down and have this kind of talk. Share with each other what you are looking for, and listen carefully to what the other person says. Be very sure that your boyfriend isn't just doing something because you want him to and he wants to make you happy. If you're the one calling the shots, who's really in control here? As you share with each other, see if you can discover some common ground, or some things that you both want. You may need to start out in a small way, perhaps with him commanding you only at certain times of the day or in certain ways. See if you can bend a little as well, perhaps indulging his interest in "playing games" by incorporating a little role-play into your sex life. Be sure that you both understand that he has responsibilities as well, for protecting and nurturing you, and helping you to better yourself.
And, too, remember that it's not all about you and your needs. The slave's total surrender may involve doing things that she doesn't want to do, if that's what her Master wants. (For instance, I absolutely hate turnip greens. But I eat them when told to.) And, perhaps strangely, many slaves find it incredibly thrilling to submit to their Masters when they least want to. I like to say that a submissive DOES what her Master wants, whereas a slave BECOMES what her Master wants. That may mean changing your hair color or your job, or never speaking to your best friend again.
Every relationship involves some give and take. That applies to BDSMW and vanilla, to friends as well as lovers. We can't have it our way all the time, and giving in to the other person (or doing something you don't care for because they want to) just strengthens the bond between us.
Now, it may well be, after all this introspection and discussion, the two of you will find that you have grown in different ways, and need something that the other cannot provide. I can't tell you what is the right thing to do. But I suspect that you already know, or have an idea. Trust your own insights, and grow from the experience.
Good luck to you both. If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact me again.
arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I understand that I will always be learning more about the lifestyle. What I know now would have never crossed my mind a couple of years ago, but I suppose I was bound to search for it. However, I feel as if it is a burden at times. Sometimes I wish I wasn't like this, so I would not feel the need to fill this void. My boyfriend likes to dominate me in the bedroom and out of the bedroom in some ways as well, but sex is only a small part of it for me. It is hard for me to talk to my boyfriend about it because most of the time, I am the one doing all of the talking. He has never been one to fully express himself, perhaps partially due to his up-bringing. I gave him some information to read about the lifestyle that I found online on various sites a couple of days ago, including a list of rules, positions, etc. He did not seem thrilled to read it. I told him that I wanted to help him understand it better and that these were the types of things I was willing to do for him. He changed some of them around while he was reading, backspacing and typing in something slightly different. But after reading all of it, I asked him how he felt about it. He said it was a lot of information to take in and that it just seemed like work to him and it would take a while to grow accustomed to it. I told him that it is work and it won't happen overnight. He had nothing else to say about the matter and we have not discussed it since. I am afraid to bring it up to him again because I do not want to annoy him, and a negative response will only make me feel worse. I think you are right about me being the one in control right now, and I hate it. I don't think he feels a need for this like I do. I know that I cannot change him, and I can't make him be my master. I don't want to submit to him just sometimes, I want to all the time. Perhaps this kind of lifestyle is not an option in our relationship, and knowing that possibility really breaks my heart and it hurts like hell. My question is, if this turns out to be the case, how can I accept that and deal with it? What can I do right now? Because I can't leave him to fulfill my needs elsewhere. He is the only partner I have had, and I his, and I love him too much. I won't give up on the idea that this may work out eventually, but I have to know how to accept it and deal with these feelings in case it does not. Thank you so much for your help and I'm sorry if this was long.
Answer Hello...
I'm glad my earlier response was of some help to you. I hope I can help you continue to sort out your situation, and find some happiness and fulfillment in your life.
Unfortunately, what I am hearing from you is very similar to what I hear from many women (and a few men). I have communicated with several people who have been involved in a committed relationship with someone, and discover a lifestyle that meets their needs while at the same time is not attractive to their partners. And there's no easy answer to the problem, or one that works for everyone.
Very few people end up with the relationship that is exactly what they would consider to be the ideal relationship for them, that meets 100% of their needs and is equally fulfilling to their partner. This is true for everyone, not just BDSM'ers. For instance, I before I met my husband, I used to really (I mean REALLY) enjoy long and intense kissing sessions with my boyfriends. However, my husband just isn't into that sort of thing. Now, that may not be important in the grand scheme of things, but it does show that I've had to learn to be adaptable. Maybe a better illustration of this is that I never imagined leaving home for four years to earn the money to enable my husband to return to college.
But when you love someone, and are committed to remaining in a relationship with that someone, you have to be willing to make adjustments -- and even some sacrifices -- for the sake of maintaining a healthy and on-going relationship. That's true for husbands and wives, or boyfriends and girlfriends, as much as for Dominants and submissives or Masters and slaves. Eventually, what has to happen (whether you're looking for a partner or already involved with one) is that you have to decide just how close to perfect you need your relationship to be, and how much of your dream you are willing to give up. For me, taking a job that required me to travel all over the country and live apart from my husband (who was my Master long before he was my husband) was worth it to me, because I saw him able to fulfill one of his own dreams. And because I knew that, in the long run, we would have a better life when he was earning more money and satisfied with his career.
Something else that I want to throw in here is that sometimes, when two people have been together for a while, they sometimes grow apart. Needs and interests that they may have shared initially may change over time. This is especially true when those involved are as young as you and your boyfriend are.
I do think that the more you pressure your boyfriend into the relationship that you want, the more he's going to pull away from you. It does sound like he's interested in at least some level of a D/s relationship. If you really are committed to staying with him, you may need to be willing to compromise to some extent. I have often observed people who need to enter the lifestyle gradually. Some may need to jump in feet first, and totally immerse themselves in it. But others need to go slower, and get used to things before moving forward. It may be that your boyfriend is one of these people, and pushing him into doing things before he's ready may actually work against you.
If you've done some research into the lifestyle, you've probably run across the concept of a contract. I suggest that you and your boyfriend draw up a short-term contract, after a period of negotiation, that can serve as a starting point for your journey into life as Dominant and submissive. Let him take the lead (as a good Dominant should), and concentrate on being the very best submissive you can. Concentrate on bettering yourself for his service, and learning to observe him closely so that you can anticipate his least desire before he even knows it himself. Consider yourself as surrendering to HIS will, and transforming yourself into the woman that HE wants you to be. After the term of your initial contract is up, re-negotiate the terms of your relationship, again allowing him to take the lead. I bet that you'll find your relationship slowly becoming more and more like what you imagine your ideal to be.
Bear in mind, too, that your boyfriend may be taking seriously his responsibilities as a Dominant. It is up to him to be sure that you feel protected, and nurtured. My Master says that his duty is to make me the best person I can be. And that means improving my credit score as much as instructing me in how to cook his meals. This can be a very daunting task for a new Dominant, and one that he may not be ready yet to assume fully. He may also be concerned about how this change in your relationship will be seen by your families and co-workers. Since you're probably not ready to reveal the true nature of your relationship openly, be very careful who you tell and what you tell them.
Good luck to both of you. Take time to explore what will work best for both of you, but remember to have fun. Again, if you have more questions, you know how to reach me.
