About arani_CsA Expertise I am available to answer any questions you might have about Master/slave relationships. While my Master and I are Gorean, I have intimate knowledge of other forms of consensual slavery as well. I can offer advice in the areas of learning to come to an understanding of one's slave nature, learning how to best please one's owner, and other problems that come up in the day-to-day life of a slave.
Experience I was collared by my Master on May 6, 2000, and on Nov. 8, 2003 became his wife as well. Prior to that time, I wore the collars of two other men.
Publications My website, which can be located at http://www.geocities.com/dancer_of_gor/index.html
Education/Credentials I have an advanced degree in the health professions. In addition, I have been a slave for over ten years, and during that time was trained by three different Masters with regards to slavery in general as well as how to serve them in particular. One of these Masters required me to train the other slaves in his chain.
Awards and Honors At one time, I was given the rather dubious honor of being voted the "Sexiest Slave" in Yahoo Gor. I don't take this too seriously, and don't encourage anyone else to do so either.
Question Hi my name is Kat, I'm 20 years old. my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years- since we were 14. He is my best friend, and a few months ago I revealed to him that I wanted a master. I have always felt this sort of need ever since I can remember, but didn't know why until recently doing research. I have discussed the topic many times with him, and have done thorough research about it. He has seemed interested, and we have tried various things, including a set of ground rules and expectations. The thing is, he is hot and cold (yeah, like the song) sometimes he is very dominant, and then later he will hold back it seems, and be carefree about it. It's like he thinks it is a game, even though i have explained to him in detail that it's not to me. He won't stick to his end if that makes sense. I feel a need for the structure that comes out of a D/s relationship, and I'm not getting it. Frankly, it is all or nothing for me, I will either have a master or I wont. He says he is into it and wants to, but when I try to communicate with him about it, he actually gets almost angry with me, and tells me he doesn't want to talk about it because it's boring. Is it just his lack of communication skills? If so, will it ruin any chances of a D/s relationship working out? Should I give it time? I mean it kind of hurts when I have expressed with him my deepest secret. Perhaps I need to leave it all in my head. But why is he giving me mixed signals? Do you think it's possible to develop that kind of relationship with him if he is at least somewhat willing to learn about it? Or should I stick with the vanilla?
Answer Hello...
Thank you for coming to me with your questions. I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.
It is good that you have done some research into the BDSM lifestyle, and that you have discussed what you have learned with your boyfriend. However, I have found that I am still learning -- even after 10 years as a slave. I have discovered a tremendous amount about myself, and about my needs and why I am drawn to this lifestyle. And, I have to say that the person I am now is nothing at all like the one I was 10 years ago. When I first met my Master, he told me that I would be experiencing something like peeling the layers off an onion. When one layer is peeled off, revealing things you perhaps didn't even expect to find there, you find still another layer to be peeled off.
I also suggest that you spend some time learning about the differences between M/s and D/s relationships. It appears to me, from what you have said about your needs, that you are more in search of a Master/slave relationship, whereas your boyfriend may be more attracted to the Dominant/submissive lifestyle. Many D/s couples will incorporate varying levels of control in their relationships; some may only be interested in a little kinky play in the bedroom, others will want increasing amounts of control. And the differences not only have to do with the amount of time involved, or the extent of the submission, but also the reasons for seeking out that particular kind of relationship. A slave may not be submissive at all, and may instead be looking for an almost spiritual kind of guidance in her life.
Most people who are thinking about entering into an M/s or D/s relationship have a period of negotiation before formalizing the relationship. This is where they share with each other what they are looking for or need, and also what they are willing and able to bring to the relationship. If they have limitations of any kind, or are inexperienced in certain areas, they share this information as well. For example, when my Master and I were in this getting-acquainted stage, I shared with him that I have certain health problems. He then decided that there would be some things I would not be required to do. Some submissives may make it clear that they don't care for anal sex or bondage, or some such thing. Then, when both parties come to an agreement as to what the relationship is going to consist of, they may sign a contract that spells these things out.
I think that you and your boyfriend need to sit down and have this kind of talk. Share with each other what you are looking for, and listen carefully to what the other person says. Be very sure that your boyfriend isn't just doing something because you want him to and he wants to make you happy. If you're the one calling the shots, who's really in control here? As you share with each other, see if you can discover some common ground, or some things that you both want. You may need to start out in a small way, perhaps with him commanding you only at certain times of the day or in certain ways. See if you can bend a little as well, perhaps indulging his interest in "playing games" by incorporating a little role-play into your sex life. Be sure that you both understand that he has responsibilities as well, for protecting and nurturing you, and helping you to better yourself.
And, too, remember that it's not all about you and your needs. The slave's total surrender may involve doing things that she doesn't want to do, if that's what her Master wants. (For instance, I absolutely hate turnip greens. But I eat them when told to.) And, perhaps strangely, many slaves find it incredibly thrilling to submit to their Masters when they least want to. I like to say that a submissive DOES what her Master wants, whereas a slave BECOMES what her Master wants. That may mean changing your hair color or your job, or never speaking to your best friend again.
Every relationship involves some give and take. That applies to BDSMW and vanilla, to friends as well as lovers. We can't have it our way all the time, and giving in to the other person (or doing something you don't care for because they want to) just strengthens the bond between us.
Now, it may well be, after all this introspection and discussion, the two of you will find that you have grown in different ways, and need something that the other cannot provide. I can't tell you what is the right thing to do. But I suspect that you already know, or have an idea. Trust your own insights, and grow from the experience.
Good luck to you both. If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact me again.
