Expert: Mistress Violette - 8/12/2009

Question
My Daddy/Dom just ended our relationship, and I am completely broken hearted and not sure how to survive it.  When we started, he told me that this sort of bond was not easily broken, and that he would never leave me, and that he'd always protect me.  I opened myself up in a way I never had before.  Unfortunately, as much as I loved the kinky aspects of the relationship, often times I failed as a submissive b/c I'm strong willed and have opinions of my own.  I feel as though I repeatedly let him down as his sub, and yet, he acknowledges that he was a difficult person to deal with at times.  Now he has shut me out of his life.  I tried contacting my Daddy several times, but he is just isolating himself from me and not accepting communication with me.  It seems like the break up pain in a D/s relationship, especially a Daddy/daughter one is so much more painful than anything else to endure!  My Dom scarred me b/c I felt like I just could do no good.  I wonder if I will ever trust or bounce back after this one?
Thank you so much for your help.

Answer
Hi, Nanci,

This is an unhappy thing for you and I feel for you. To have someone who is important to you leave your life is painful. To have him close himself off from you makes it seem even worse. Even so, you can bounce back and trust. It will take time and effort but it can happen. It's the rare person who hasn't been hurt, yet lots of people form new loving relationships every day. While your BDSM relationship seems more painful than others for you, it doesn't mean you're experiencing more pain than many of these other people have. In other words, it hurts badly but you will be able to survive and, more important, you will be able to move on.

Of course, I don't know the specifics of your relationship but I'm going to guess you didn't actually fail as a sub. I know a number of very strong willed and independent subs who are in successful relationships. Some dominants, and I'm one, actually prefer that sort of personality. It's more likely you and your Daddy just weren't compatible in terms of BDSM. It's not a failure on anyone's part, especially since it seems you both put forth effort to make things work.

The failure came when your Daddy refused to communicate with you. Even at the end of a relationship he still has some responsibility for your safety. He was right about needing to protect you and he doesn't seem to realize he needed to do that a little longer. There's nothing you can do to change that but you need to know that his behavior is not necessarily the standard by which you should judge potential partners in the future.

Another responsibility is to see to your emotional health. If he's damaged your self esteem he wasn't caring for you. No one is perfect and no one always gets it right. I'm sure your Daddy isn't a bad person but it looks like he made at least a couple of mistakes. If he made these missteps in judgment, are you sure you want to accept his assessment? Don't doubt yourself, doubt the accuracy of his opinion of your ability as a submissive. I suspect you have a lot of potential to be a good submissive, you just need to do it with someone whose wants are more in line with your personality. It sounds trite, but you will learn from this. The experiences of this relationship, both good and bad, will help you build stronger relationships in the future.

For now, all the power for your health and healing lies with you. There's nothing wrong with the feelings you're having. It's fine to feel sad and angry and confused. Just remember this is temporary and you don't want those feelings to become a habit. The reality is the wounds, while deep and painful, will only become permanent if you let them. With time, if you're open to it, you can gain perspective, forgive both yourself and your Daddy and be ready to move on. If ever there was a time to own being strong willed and opinionated, it's now. I think you have the tools, Nanci, and my sense is you're willing to use them so that when you meet the man who can appreciate you, you'll be ready for him.

Mistress Violette