Expert: Oscar G. - 8/24/2009

Question
Hi Oscar,

I am completely new to anything BDSM. I initially came across it purely from reading stories on Literotica and from then on searching on the Internet (God bless Google!). From the start I have been utterly intrigued. It is more the intensity of the relationships I feel that is grabbing me than the sadism / masochism. I just keep coming back. I’m 35 years old and am still searching for ... something. I have never known what it is. I’m a very open person however for most of my life have suffered with low self-esteem . I’m not sure if this is the entire reason but although I can orgasm on my own with no difficulty I have never been able to achieve this with a partner. I have never been able to ‘trust’ enough to let myself go. Perhaps it is the level of trust in these relationships (I’m not just here about orgasms <grin>) that I read about that draws me or perhaps it is the ability of these subs to hand over completely to their masters and thus be “free”.

I have read about munches but feel as though I will stick out like a sore thumb if I actually go to one. I guess I’m kind of at a loss at where to go from here. I feel as though I could be stuck at this crossroads forever without the gumption to take the next step forward.

Any advice would be appreciated!

Thank you xx

Answer
Hi Shy:

While not totally correct, you are not wrong in your statements. There can be certain level of trust, confidence and communication that is very deep and  intense between Dominant and submissive. Yet a skillful Dom is not a panacea to everything that ails you. You got to think that depends on what you have and are willing to give is that that other partner can be able to do with you. It is not a question of being "forced", but more of being show all your potentials and cast away fears and illusions. Yet, you have to know yourself first to be able to offer and give that.
Best  way to do that is define yourself. You may not know exactly what you want, you i bet you know very well what you do NOT want. Those would be your initial limits, the line you will not cross, and cannot be forced to pass by anyone. Yet it is only you know how strong that limit is or what you need and desire. And from that define the type of person you seek.

But more down to earth Munches are just social gathering to network and socialize. Not a play party where you will forced to do anything to date anyone automatically. But being a bit shy and with a lot of question is normal. Perhaps  before a munch you could check BDSM chat rooms that could help you warm up to the local scene. You could ask basic questions first and with time feel bolder as to  dip your toes in the water. Erotica  only increases your hungers, but chat rooms  show you a bit of the realities of dealing with real people, real time. I hope this helps.

Be well and  be safe.
Oscar G.