Expert: CougarDomme - 8/28/2009

Question
Hi CougarDomme!

I'm new to BDSM, but the main reason I love it is because of the emotional hurt I feel during BDSM.  However this leads me to do things like beg, cry, whinge, talk alot during scene as the more I do that the more hurt I feel, which is a turn on.  If I stay silent, I can't really get into subspace without that hurt.

The problem is I have been reading about defiance and bratting in BDSM, and that this isn't much tolerated.

Sometimes I read that Dommes like seeing a submissive squirm and beg and resist knowing the sub is going to get the punishment regardless. But 99% of the stuff I read is that it contradicts being a submissive and insults the Domme... (Basically bratting or defiance type situation)

Can you help me understand to what point a Domme would tolerate or even like the sub to be emotionally whingy I suppose.  I previously thought a Domme would love seeing their sub beg and whatnot, but most think a submissive shoudl submit without any of that.

bye.

Answer
BDSM relationships are like vanilla relationships in many ways--it is still a personality match and compatibility and love are also huge factors. Despite what you may have read about 'total power exchange' and 24/7 lifestyle, that is too impractical to be practiced unendingly and in 98% or more of the BDSM couples I have met, it's a sex game and nothing more--outside the bedroom/dungeon, most couples lead vanilla lives. What you do during a scene or a session pivots on what you and your Signifigant do to bring about subspace for you. If someone loves you, usually they love you for who and what you are--they don't change that because it's what got you together in the first place. Your desires are unique--just like everyone else's!