Expert: Robert Rubel - 8/14/2009

Question
I'm a vanilla guy in long term relationship with a Dom woman.  For years it seemed that a vanilla relationship was all we needed.  But recently she has returned to her BDSM roots and it has me confused.  I know virtualy nothing about the lifestyle except what is portrayed in the media ( movies, porn, magazines, ect.).  She has a background where she has been it the lifestyle for years.  She is still learning and has a decent grasp of what she wants out of the lifestyle.  My question is this how can a relationship like this work?  Is it even possible?  I love this woman but I am confused and a little suspicious about her motives when it comes to being a Dom, and what her relationships with her subs might do to our relationship.  Please help.

Thanks,
Pat


Answer
Ah, a nice complicated relationship question.  

The quick answer is yes, you probably can work this out; it's a matter of whether or not your wife wants to work it out.

Now for the longer answers.

First, you might want consider buying a copy of "When Someone you Know is Kinky"  Also, here's a website that ranks the top 100 BDSM books being sold by Amazon.  There may be other titles that also interest you.

http://www.bdsmbooklist.com/

Now, to the more complex aspects of your question.

1) "I know virtually nothing about the lifestyle."  Threshold question -- do you WANT to know anything about it?  If all your exposure is based on TV/Movies/News, I suspect you have a somewhat to very negative view of BDSM. It probably involves the darker side of kink and is often portrayed as non-consensual.  In reality, there are about as many variations on the BDSM theme as there are people in our lifestyle.  For example, I know one female dominant who is what's called a "mental Domme."  Her idea of a play scene simply involves her speaking with a submissive man in an almost hypnotic way.  Be assured, they all come back to her for more.  At the other extreme, I've seen any number of masochistic ladies who equate pain with pleasure and love having needles stuck into their skin in various places where needles aren't what you'd expect to see there, or to be bullwhipped by a man standing eight or so feet away.

In my own case, my "kink" is dining formally in a British military "mess dress" uniform.  It's part of my foreplay.  As a "kink" is anything that makes you hard, it's a kink.  We do very little of what you'd think of with BDSM play: flogging, fire play, electro stim, whipping, bondage, etc.  I've been trained in many of these, and I'll play with other "play partners" in the more traditional BDSM style, but not in my permanent relationship.

Should you become interested, perhaps for the sake of understanding a bit more about what you're wife seems to need in her life, you might consider joining her when she goes to a meeting at her BDSM club.  Most BDSM clubs offer educational demonstrations/discussions along with their "play" aspect.  If her club does not, you might consider looking for another local club you could join -- just to learn a bit more about this world.  It would be MUCH better, though, if you joined her, if she'll let you.

2) "For years it seemed that a vanilla relationship was all we needed."  In my experience, those who enter the kink lifestyle don't often go back to Vanilla.  It's a one-way door.  For many of us (myself included) it's rather like entering a parallel universe.  The stimulations are so strong, the relationships are so intense, that it changes you forever.  Hence your following sentence noting that she's returned from her excursion back to the Land of Vanillas to her BDSM life.  

Generally, it takes about 2-3 years in this lifetyle before you get a reasonable handle on the range of options that are available to you.  Not to confuse you, but for your information, there are a number of these parallel universes alongside BDSM.  The other major contingent is called "Leather."  Here, many of the rules and customs are quite different from BDSM.  Internet searches both for BDSM and the Leather subculture can help get you started, if you wish to do so.

3) "My question is this how can a relationship like this work?  Is it even possible?"  Yes these kinds of interwoven and complex relationship structures are alive and will all over the world.  In my own case, my primary partner is my Owner (please don't freak out -- it's a different subculture) who gave me a slave about 18 months into our relationship.  She did this because the other woman could and would fulfill a couple parts of my life that my Owner could not and would not.  We've been a stable threesome for about six years.  Two close friends of mine are married, but both are Dominant.  As a result, each has his/her own submissive.

However --- (the famous "however") this takes a huge amount of discussion and negotiation.  If you would like to read specifically how you can manage discussions like these, I'd recommend two books by the same author: Master/slave Relations: Communication 401 -- the Advanced Course and Master/slave Relations: Solutions 401 -- Living in Harmony.  Author = Robert Rubel.  In my opinion, one of the best techniques that he discusses that would specifically apply to such serious discussions with your wife is called "Talking Sticks."  Native Americans have used this for centuries.  I use it with my submissive whenever I think one or the other of us is trying to have a serious discussion but we're not quite communicating -- one or the other of us is missing what the other person is saying.

One note of caution; she may wish to keep her vanilla and kink sides of her life separate.  In that light, she values you for who you are and the life you have together, and prefers to remain with you as she develops her kink side.  Thus, you may be providing a very important support for her as she further explores her own needs/wants.

4) "...and what her relationships with her subs might do to our relationship."  The trick to opening your marriage to involve others is that before any serious new relationship is formed, she brings the potential submissive to meet you -- perhaps to dinner -- so you can get a feel for whether you think this person might or might not destabilize your marriage.  I've learned the hard way (twice, unfortunately) that if you form the new relationship and present it as a done deal to your established partner(s) you've just pissed everybody off and complicated your life beyond belief.  You've now broken an element of trust with your permanent partner(s).

If her relationships are with submissives at "play parties," I don't think that you need concern yourself over it.  She's getting the release she needs.  If she starts having private play with one of those submissives, she is honor bound to involve you from the start.  It will then be up to you to determine whether she simply doesn't believe in keeping you in such an important loop, or she may be sending you a rather serious message.

Other comments:

I presume that you, yourself, are not a submissive man.  Should you be interested in reading about how a submissive man can prepare himself for a Dominant woman, then the book is: "How to Capture a Mistress" by Karen Martin.  There is no other book out there covering this material.

One of the more interesting side-effects of moving into this parallel universe is that you're only going to live this life once, and the people you meet in the kink world are, by and large, thoughtful, bright, and creative.  They're exploring their sexuality.  Not a bad thing so long as the exploration is "safe, sane, and consensual."

Hope this helps.  Write back if you have any more questions.  I certainly wish you the very best working this out with your wife.

As a reference point for you, I'm 64.