Expert: Robert Rubel - 8/6/2009

Question
Desr Robert: Here is my question, well i meet a Dom in a bdsm party, i liked him very much, we flirted there, and then the next day he added me to the fetlife, i really didnt expect that cuz first he didnt save my nickname and second he is a pro and im just a newbie, we talked, i asked him to be my mentor, cuz i didnt feel to be good enough to ask him to train me, but he knew what i want, then i added him to facebook and msn, we talked about normal things and then he asked me what kind of relationship i want with him, so i said Dom/slave and he said, "that's a big step", so i said "ok"... then silence... so he said "well you could said that youre "in service" to me" but i dont know what that means, is this a trial period or something? i know that if he want my service im allowed to please him, does this include sexual things or not?, may talk to him frequently or i need to wait till he want my service?, another thing for example, if i see him online... i have to say hello and ask if he need something?... im lost in terms and protocols... please help i want to be more than just "in service" what can i do?, i want to be his slave, help, thank you, another thing, he is married, and he has been married for 20 years with his sub, she knows about our relationship, it is possible that he want to develop a D/s relationship with me also? i dont want to be like his wife but i want to have a serious D/s relationship in the future, is this realistic? obviously i still looking for a hubbie cuz im divorced and im young and this Dom is 48, so im not looking that on him... oh, im so complicated sorry...

Answer
Dear Gabriel,

You are now beginning to sense the complication of the lives of most "kinksters."  People who practice/live a BDSM lifestyle.  Before I begin to answer your specific questions, let me make sure that when I use a term, you understand how I'm using it.

In BDSM, there are three sets of paired terms:

Top/bottom
Dominant/submissive (D/s) and
Master/slave (M/s)

Top/bottom does not involve any psychological play. It just says that the Top is holding the whip (doing the action) and the bottom is being whipped (receiving the action).  

Dominant/submissive involves "power exchange."  That is, the the Dom takes power from the submissive (who willingly gives it up) during a play scene.  In some cases people live in a D/s structure, but that poses some problems because in most cases, the submissive isn't supposed to do anything unless specifically told to do that by the Dom.  This can become pretty tedious pretty quickly.  Used generally, D/s power exchange is negotiated before a play scene and then the Dom returns power to the submissive so that the sumbissive isn't confused asto whether he/she is still expected to be under the power/control of the Dom with whom she just played.

Master/slave is a bit different than that.  An M/s structure is about authority exchange.  Here, the slave surrenders personal power over herself and gives complete control of his/her life to Master.  In some M/s relationships, this can include control over whether the slave works, what job she takes, and what she's expected to do when not at work.  In some cases, the slave must seek Master's permission to speak with or visit members of the slave's biological family, although I suspect that is fairly rare.

As you go further and further into our culture, you'll start to hear that Top/bottom is about the physical body, D/s is about the mind, and M/s is about your spiritual self.  That is, M/s -- for many of us -- is conducted in part as an opportunity to explore one's spirituality through s/m (sado-masochistic) practices.

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Now, concerning your letter, there is no structure that I'm aware of called Dominant/slave.  Second, until you've been in the community and really understand what it is to submit to someone on a temporary basis, it's pretty hard for me to see how you're going to be comfortable starting out in an M/s setting where you have lost the authority to say "no" to your Master without terminating the relationship.  (There are other ways of signaling that you don't want to do something, but saying "no" directly is not on the table, at least in my own relationship with my slave.)

Yes, you need some mentors in your life.  I'd urge you to find BDSM clubs in your community and start going to meetings.  Meet some of the senior submissives and ask them to counsel you.  For starters, you need to be aware of some of the warning flags that this Dom or Master you're considering is, in fact, recognized and honored within your community.  Some men calling themselves a "master" have actually simply named themselves "master" and are primarily cruising for newbies who don't yet know how to validate a person's credentials.  (In the Leather world, one cannot simply call oneself "Master."  It has to be earned through years of service and awarded to you in a public ceremony by an established Master.  You're not likely to discover this world of Leather for a number of years -- possibly never.  It's even more private than the world of heterosexual BDSMers.)

"In service" is a temporary condition that us usually applied to a time that a submissive is serving a Dominant at a munch (informal club gathering) or at a play party.  The Dom may offer you a temporary "collar of protection" at such times so that other Doms don't hit on you -- anyone who wants to speak with you must (according to the protocol at most clubs in the US) ask your Dominant for permission.  If a Dominant comes up to you while you're wearing a collar and starts speaking to you, that's a pretty clear indication that this is a newbie Dom -- or a Dom that is cruising for submissives and pretends that he is unaware of the protocols about speaking to a collared submissive.  Not a good beginning, to be sure.  Now, if you're NOT collared, anyone can speak with you.

Yes, "in service" would be the very beginnings of a trial period.  It would begin to introduce you to your Community and it's standards and practices.  It is also a time for his wife to check you out to see how well she feels you're a fit for the two of them.

EVERYTHING that you wish to do with your Dom, or that the Dom wishes to do with you MUST be pre-negotiated.  The world of BDSM is based on the concept of "safe, sane, and CONSENSUAL."  This is called SSC for short.  If he starts by offering to flog you and you end up having sex that was not pre-negotiated, he's taking advantage of your newness.  If you want to have sex with him, just ask.  And what kind of sex?  Oral, anal, when tied up?  What about face slapping during sex?  Or spanking?  Please don't cringe, here.  I play with a lady who specifically required that I slap her face during sex.  I'd never slapped a lady before, so it took some getting used to.  But it was pre-negotiated.  If she had asked me to slap her without having discussed this ahead of time, I wouldn't have done it.  Why?  Because she may have been abused as a child and slapping her face may have been eroticized in ways that I'm unwilling to support.

It's always polite for you to ask a Dominant if there is anything that you can do to be of service.  However, once you've entered into a collared state with a Dom, you must ask your Dom whether or not you have permission to offer your services to another.  In a general sense, you do not.  You've given up that right when you accepted a collar.

I strongly urge you to start some Internet searches on topics such as:

Collars and collaring
Dominants and submissives
Masters and slaves

There are MANY fabulous free resources; also there are great books.  Here is a link to the top 100 best selling BDSM books on Amazon.  http://www.bdsmbooklist.com/  Four of my own books are on that list.  I write about Master/slave relationships.

One of my books is specifically about protocols.  It's called "Protocols for the Female slave: Handbook of Theory and Practice.  You might want to look it over.

Also, Fetlife has many, many groups that discuss D/s and M/s -- you might consider joining a few.  It's a safe place to ask any question that comes up.  You'll get immediate answers from a good cross-section of folks.

Some people are polyamorous.  That means that they are sexually involved with more than one person at the same time.  Unless this man and his wife are both poly (as it's called) you're not going to fit in very well.  You're going to need to be "approved" by his wife.  To the extent that she sees you as a threat to their marriage, your wishes will be opposed -- unless you're trying to break up their marriage.  (Yes, I read the part in your letter where you have said that he's not a marriage candidate.  My comment stands, though.)

In my own case (and I'm 64, by the way) I have a slave of six years and other play partners who are part of our "Leather Family."  I have an s/m (sado-masochistic) relationship with the lady that likes to be slapped, and I have a D/s relationship with a FemmeDom.  When we give "Family dinners," both ladies are invited and attend.  When we give parties, both ladies are invited and attend. We see ourselves as a polyamorous Family.

Here's a caution.  If you ask someone to be your mentor, the ethics of that relationship forbid the mentor from having sexual relations with you.  The person is your teacher, not your lover.

There you go.  I hope this is of some help.  If you can find me on Fetlife, you're welcome to link to me.  

In Leather Heart and Spirit...