Expert: Lady Aryana - 8/6/2009

Question
I've been with my boyfriend for about 9 months now-though there has been some breaking up and getting back together in that time. I love him very much, but our relationship can be really hard on me. He's really into BDSM and has been involved in that scene for years, whereas I was relatively inexperienced sexually when I met him, and had definitely never come across any of the things he was into.
I love being submissive and I love role playing, and consensual non-consent, and bondage, and I am interested in trying more...but all within a monogamous relationship.
My boyfriend doesn't believe in sexual monogamy, but is currently being monogamous for me. He is very romantic, and believes in being romantically and emotionally monogamous, which definitely helps me sleep at night, but I do worry about how things will play out.
He understands that I will not be in an open sexual relationship, so he does not have sex with other girls, and he also decided to stop playing with other girls completely until I'm more comfortable in our relationship. I know this shows that he loves me, and I really appreciate it, but I still have a couple issues.
He has a good friend that he has known for a few years. They had sex for most of that time (until he started dating me). I have a feeling this friend of his has feelings for him because she is very vocal about how much she hates me, and how she thinks I'm trying to change him. She also will purposely (and very obviously) ignore me when we're in social situations together making me, and anyone around very uncomfortable. I wanted to confront her and sort everything out, because I know how hard it can be when one of your best friends is in a relationship-but she has been so rude to me that I decided against it.
My boyfriend is on a fetish social networking site and his d/s status says "dominant of (this friend of his)". This made me REALLY upset. I understand that it may be because I already feel threatened by her, but to be honest, I think most of it is just the fact that he claims to be the Dom of anyone besides me. I don't want my boyfriend to be someone else's Dominant. I told him how upset this made me, and he told me that I didn't understand BDSM and what D/S relationships meant and that I shouldn't be upset.
Should I be upset? This is all still so new to me. Am I wrong to want him all to myself? And am I wrong to be mad at him for having a d/s relationship with someone else? I'm sure it's all very personal and depends on the situation, but In the BDSM community do people in romantic relationships have this problem? And do you have any general advice for someone as clueless as me who happened to fall in love with someone involved in this scene?
Thanks for listening,
Alex

Answer
Alex,

what a lot to get into here, I will try to answer as much as I can at the moment, although I will have to part it into two different times.

As for you being submissive, and enjoying it, this is a good start, as for being monogamous relationship, as long as it is something you and your boyfriend can agree on, then great, then its a good start. Normally when a guy is used to being able to play not just sexually but with in the BDSM scene, it is hard to just stop once they meet someone, so you are lucky you have found someone who is willing to give that up for you. You should be grateful for that.

As for him not believing in it, this will cause issues in the long run I am sure, so you need to consider two things, can you handle him stepping out, and coming home to you at night, or are you willing to change and become poly, so that you know who he is with, and know that there is safe sex, and play at all times. I would really learn towards the second one if I were you. If he loves you as much as you think he does, just cause he plays with others it wont change how much he love you, what matters is who he comes home to at night. That is and will always be the most important thing you will need to worry about, who he comes home to and tells who he loves.
As for the friend, the feelings there, will not go away, they have been together in ways that you will not understand for a long time, not just as lovers, but as Master/slaves which in a sense is a much stronger bond some say. The trust they have given each is a trust that you cant just give to anyone. which you will learn as you learn more and more about BDSM.

As for him calling himself Dominant of well he should be YOUR Dominant, not her if your going to be his submissive in the lifestyle. At least this is how things should  be. If he is still in a D/s relationship with her, then there needs to be ground rules set, and you need to be part of those rules, and you need to be the first girl in that relationship. So it should read Dominant of You and her. Jealousy doesn't belong in d/s, so no you shouldn't be upset, I suggest you learn more,, Read about d/s and talk with other girls in relationships who have been there a while, who have shared their Master's if only in play..

Sorry I will get back with you as soon as I can, school is about to start and I have been busy, So give me a few more days and I will give you some more information and some links I hope will help you

Lady Aryana