Expert: Mistress Violette - 8/6/2009

Question
I've been with my boyfriend for about 9 months now-though there has been some breaking up and getting back together in that time. I love him very much, but our relationship can be really hard on me. He's really into BDSM and has been involved in that scene for years, whereas I was relatively inexperienced sexually when I met him, and had definitely never come across any of the things he was into.
I love being submissive and I love role playing, and consensual non-consent, and bondage, and I am very interested in trying more...but all within a monogamous relationship.
My boyfriend doesn't believe in sexual monogamy, but is currently being monogamous for me. He is very romantic, and believes in being romantically and emotionally monogamous, which definitely helps me sleep at night, but I do worry about how things will play out.
He understands that I will not be in an open sexual relationship, so he does not have sex with other girls, and he also decided to stop playing with other girls completely until I'm more comfortable in our relationship. I know this shows that he loves me, and I really appreciate it, but I still have a couple issues.
He has a good friend that he has known for a few years. They had sex for most of that time (until he started dating me). I have a feeling this friend of his has feelings for him because she is very vocal about how much she hates me, and how she thinks I'm trying to change him. She also will purposely (and very obviously) ignore me when we're in social situations together making me, and anyone around us very uncomfortable. I wanted to confront her and sort everything out, because I know how hard it can be when one of your best friends is in a relationship-but she has been so rude to me that I decided against it.
My boyfriend is on a fetish social networking site and his d/s relationship status says "dominant of (this friend of his)". This made me REALLY upset. I understand that it may be because I already feel threatened by her, but to be honest, I think most of it is just the fact that he claims to be the Dom of anyone besides me. I don't want my boyfriend to be someone else's Dominant. I told him how upset this made me, and he told me that I didn't understand BDSM and what D/S relationships meant and that I shouldn't be upset.
Should I be upset? This is all still so new to me. Am I wrong to want him all to myself? And am I wrong to be mad at him for having a d/s relationship with someone else? I'm sure it's all very personal and depends on the situation, but In the BDSM community do people in romantic relationships have this problem? And do you have any general advice for someone as clueless as me who happened to fall in love with someone involved in this scene? Sorry my question was so long, but thank you for listening.
Alex

Answer
Hello, Alex,

You're right, it is all very personal and depends on the situation. You may be new to BDSM but you've grasped something very important - there is no one right way to do BDSM. You understand more than your boyfriend is giving you credit for and, maybe, more than he understands. People in the BDSM community can be just as romantic, just as monogamous, and just as exclusive in their relationships as anyone else. There's no tenet that says a BDSM relationship must allow other partners. Many BDSM people have relationships in which they're physically and emotionally intimate only with each other and have no outside partners. On the other hand, the BDSM community can be more accepting of non traditional relationships than some others and the nature of some BDSM relationships makes having other partners a desirable thing. You're not wrong to think as you do or to want what you do but neither is your boyfriend.

This is where it comes back to it all being personal and depending on the situation. You and your boyfriend are going to have to decide if either of you can do it the way the other wants it, being happy with the situation that way. If not, you'll have to see if there's a workable compromise. If so, please remember that in a compromise, everyone gets something and, usually, everyone gives up something. If either of you "gives in," and doesn't get something he or she wants, neither of you will be satisfied in the long run. To some, submission means not having input into a situation but that comes only after having had a lot of input. That shouldn't happen until workable boundaries are negotiated. In other words, the feelings and wants of both of you are equally important right now.

I'm not in favor of friends with benefits arrangements because they usually don't work out well for women. It's hard for us not to equate sex with feelings of attachment. I think you're seeing that with your boyfriend's friend. You have changed your boyfriend, just as he has changed you, but that's not the issue for her. Her issue is you've made him less accessible to her. That is absolutely her problem and she's wrong to try to make it yours or behave to you as she has been. It's your boyfriend's responsibility, as your boyfriend and as a dominant, to sort that out. It's not fair for him to say you don't understand BDSM relationships and then not model appropriate behavior himself.

You and your boyfriend have discussed these things, sort of. My sense is you've shared your feelings with him, hoping he'll make decisions favorable to you. It appears that he's made some concessions, hoping you'll come around to his way of thinking. The two of you are at an impasse, waiting for things to work themselves out. I doubt they will and you're obviously not comfortable with things as they are now. My thought is that you and your boyfriend will have to have a talk devoted to these matters. You'll both need to be specific about what you want and what you're willing to do or not do. You need to see, as people, if you can find a comfortable middle ground. Be flexible, be creative and see if you can't come up with something that meets the biggest needs of both of you. Maintaining a relationship is hard work, yes, but it shouldn't be hard on you.

Good luck!

Mistress Violette