Expert: Robert Rubel - 8/27/2009

Question
I'm 32 male and have met a 45 year old women that is into BDSM.. she introduced me to BDSM and gave herself to me as my pet.. now the problem is that she works and I take care of the bills, house ect..Most of the time she gives me the up most respect,and there are the times when she will not listen to me no matter what I say or do..I try to tell her what to do, when to,and how to do things and she gets fussy..Subs are not allowed to fuss!!I,m new at BDSM and now I am a Master, Master Z.. I want to know how to confront her in a manner that we will not argue or fight about the situation or any,I've tried to sit her down, tie her up,forcefully, and leave her alone,and she throws out comments that are not for a pet to throw..She say's I give her no respect because she work's,or she doesn't get enough sleep, or we are just barely hanging on..She gave herself to ME as her Master..what can I do to improve???

Answer
Hi,

Well, I do have some thoughts for you...

First, at the risk of starting on a negative note, you've said that you have tied her up and left her alone.  That is a very, very, very, very serious safety violation.  You will find no book in print on rope bondage that will support leaving a bound person alone.  You will find no national presenter on rope bondage that will support leaving a bound person alone.  She must have raised holly hell.

You're just starting out in this world -- it took me two solid years of serious reading and attending weekend BDSM events and attending monthly club meetings before I began to have a clue.  If I don't miss my mark, you'll look back in a few years on these early months and chuckle.  We've all been there, just enjoy your ride.  

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Now, to the core of your question/issue.  She gave herself to you as a pet, not as a submissive.  HUGE difference.  If she's a cat, you can just about forget training her; if she's a dog, you can do some training, but not very much.  Animals just sort-of do what they want.  You can do some Internet research on "training the human puppy," etc.  The only book that I know in this area is written for the gay world and it's called "Woof."  It's a classic, and the gender issue shouldn't make any difference for you.

Pets crave attention and affection.  They're playful.  That model does not fit either a Dom/sub or a Master/slave structure.  You two are at cross-purposes.  If she'd wanted to be your submissive, she would have given herself to you that way.  Other structures that won't fit the Dom/sub mode include: Trainer/pony; Daddy/girl; Uncle/niece; and a bratty spanko.

You describe a situation where she works and you don't.  By it's very nature, that kind of structure requires you to be extremely sensitive to what it is that she wants out of this relationship.  I suggest that you sit down with her and let her guide you through a regular BDSM relationship negotiation.  I suggest that she lead, because she's senior to you in this culture and will understand how that conversation should go.  You can do some homework by looking up "submissive contracts" or "slave contracts" on the Internet.  Remember, though, she signed on as a pet, not as a submissive, so I'm sending you to contracts only to give you a feel about the kinds of topics that are covered.

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Please don't take this personally.  This comment is only a comment.  Normally, a Dom spends years learning about BDSM before becoming a "Master."  When one takes on that title, it connotes wide experience, great personal control, and wisdom.  Thus, when a submissive meets a "Master," she assumes that the person has years of experience.  When you entered the world of BDSM, you've entered a well-defined subculture.  There are different rules and expectations than in the "vanilla" world.  

So far as communication is concerned, I'd recommend two books.  One is called "Master/slave Relations: Communications 401 -- the Advanced Course" and the other is called "Master/slave Relations: Solutions 402 -- Living in Harmony."  These books are as relevant to communications in a business setting as to communicating with a pet, submissive, or slave.

There are many, many books about our lifestyle.  Some I most often recommend for folks starting out are:

The Control Book buy Peter Masters
Ties that Bind by Guy Baldwin
When Someone you know is Kinky
Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns
Different Loving

This website lists the top 100 BDSM books ranked on Amazon.  You'll find lots of interesting and relevant titles in here.  http://www.bdsmbooklist.com/

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At the most basic level, you must realize that Dom/sub or Master/slave relationships in real life are a give-and-take affair.  To the extent that a slave serves Master, Master is responsible for growing and nurturing the slave.  If the slave is working and contributing money to the Household, it makes sense that Master helps lighten her load by helping with housework, etc.  As you've written, you do that.  However, she's telling you that she's burning out.  You need to work with her to figure out how to rejuvenate her, not burn her out.  Failure to do that may well result in her decision to leave you to find someone who is a better match.


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By the way, by naming yourself "Master Z," you have chosen the same name as two hugely well known and hugely senior Leather Masters.  Master Z of Chicago is the owner of Sinsations Dungeon, and the event producer of "Sinsations in Leather" and "Kinky Kollege."  Each event draws about 400 people.  Master Z of Dallas is a member of the governing board of Butchmann's Academy.  Butchmann's is a number of things; first, one of the most sophisticated training academy for Masters and slaves concerning the spiritual side of the Leather life, and second, the owner and operator of Masters and slaves Together (MAsT) International.  Master Z is also co-head of the Texas Leather Tribe that produces "Master's Retreat" and "Boys Training Camp."

You are not in the world of Leather, you are in the world of BDSM, so there probably won't be any confusion, but if you someday get an odd reaction to your name, that's why.  Master Z of Dallas, in particular, does weekend conference presentations and keynote speeches all over the country on a regular basis.

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Hope this helps.  Feel free to submit a follow-on question.  For the record, I'm 64 and have been in a Master/slave structure for over seven years.  I'm an academic researcher by training -- an educational sociologist.  I am not a "Master" to anyone but my slave.  People call me by my legal name.

In Leather Heart and Soul...