Expert: ziggy ziegler - 8/16/2009

Question
Dear ziggy,

I am a male Dom who is new to the scene. I met an experience female sub that I am really into, we started talking online, and met up a couple of times after.

The question is how do I proceed to dominate her? Are there any resources to how to "Dom talk" so to speak? I observed that she can get into her submissive self easily, I took advantage of it but I am afraid I might over do it and instead force her to do things that she is uncomfortable with(we have not have any private scene time, all we had were a couple of dinners).

Answer
dear Sir

Thank you sir for your question...

My feeling as regards to how to dominant someone begins with you sir. What is natural to your personality? How much control can you realisitically have based on who you are and what she needs. Its a delicate balence; not so much control that you create someone who is unable to think and make appropriate choices when you are not present or too little control that neither of you feel you desired roles. Asking yourself how much control will put her and keep her in her desired headspace (how you both invision it)

i personally recommend starting slow... Obedience is a matter of conditioning. By this i mean start with things that are less difficult for her and then over time as you both develop your relationship you can up the level of obedience you require. To me there is a distinct difference between stretching her scope of willingness and obedience and forcing someone to do something outside their present scope or level.

Somthing else i would like to offer sir, is that your control can fall far outside the play space your create. for example: dinner; something as simple as requiring her to wait before eating until you have given her permission.. perhaps even ordering for her without her input... when you walk together think of where you would like to have her walk.. next to you on the right or slightly behind you to the left.. Any given situation is an oppportunity to begin to take control of her and places both of you in the headspace that is enjoyable for both... I have learned that, like slaves/subs, Doms and masters are trigger by our submission just as we are trigged by your dominance.

Most important in these first beginning steps together is that you learn her.... what you learn of her will offer information as to how you might incert your domiance over her without breaking her spirit. It will also help you gain more and more confidence in your dominance in general. Over time,  you will begin to think of ways to assert that dominance in ways that are unique and meaningful to you both

There are a number of sites out there one that i like is www.fetlife.com. You can post some of your questions and read peoples answers and choose for yourself. The risk of "dom Talk online" ( same with slave talk) is that these D/s and M/s relationship are soooo incredably unique to the individuals in them that what works for others might be all wrong for you and her.... i do think its always good to get some guidence but not at the cost of forgeting what you know of yourself is far more valueable than what others think.

I like the idea of Master getting support from other masters.. BUT no one knows the mind of a sub/slave more than another slave or submissive. However, might i recommend finding a group in real time. I recommend realtime groups in your area for a number of reasons. You have the chance to meet Masters and slaves subs and doms in real time and see how their relationships work and how the dom asserts his or her control over their subs and slaves. You can ask questions and alot of times groups have a dominants special interst group where dominants can come together and talk and a variety of subjects.

Google BDSM GROUPS and insert your state and city... and from there you should get a list of all of the groups in your state and in the cities around you.

Above all else do this together, you are in charge no doubt, but the path into d/s is a wondeful one, best traveled together..

I hope this has helps you sir.. if you have follow up questions please do not hesitate to ask. i would be more than happy to share more.

warmest regards and best wishes to your and yours
slave ziggy