Expert: Robert Rubel - 8/2/2009

Question
My boyfriend and I are both interested about BDSM but are also very very new to it. I am sure that I am submissive but he does not know what he is. He definitely wants to make sure I am happy, and safe, and I know he enjoys being dominant. A lot of people I know think that he is under my thumb. Also, the more submissive I am the less dominant he seems. Putting all of this together leaves me very confused about whether he is submissive or dominant or what. Please help.

Answer
Wow!  Great question.

Let me start out by mentioning that there are dominants, there are submissives, and there are switches.  A switch (I'm one) will be dominant or submissive depending on the person they're playing with or upon the mood of the moment.  Many in the BDSM community look down on switches, claiming that they just don't know who they are.  At age 64, I know who I am: I'm a switch.

Another point: for many people, bedroom roles are different that daytime roles.  That is, many people are dominant in most aspects of their lives, but love to let it all go in the bedroom and serve.  It can be very relaxing not to have to think of anything but serving your Dominant.

You've also said that you're sure that you are a submissive.  Well, in almost all cultures, most women are enculturated to be submissive.  Think China, India.  Think of the U.S.  Its everywhere -- movies, ads.  However, I've seen many, many women start down the BDSM path, try to be submissive, decide it really isn't working, and "top over."  Below, I've given you a website link to Amazon's BDSM books.  As you look through it, you'll find a number of books directed to women who want to learn a bit more about becoming dominant.

Oh, and there is one book on that list: "How to Capture a Mistress" that is specifically written for submissive men.  It's designed as a workbook -- the theme is, if you're a man seeking a dominant woman, what should you be thinking about to offer her (other than sex).  It lays out a plan-of-action for men.

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Now, I'll admit to being a little confused by your situation, too.  My only thought about your guy going more submissive when YOU go more submissive is that he desperately wants to please you and seeks your help/guidance.  As both of you learn more about the psychology of dominance and submission, one or the other of you is going to take control.  But this may be a slow learning process.  The older you get, the more you get to learn about what does and does not work for you.

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You've mentioned that you're interested in BDSM, but you're only asking about the D/s (Dominance and submission) part of the equation.  Permit me to suggest two books.  For the kinky activities side, try: "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns" by Phillip Miller.  For the D/s side (and some kink activities, too) I'd send you to "Different Loving" by Gloria Brame.  If you're interested in learning more about the dynamics of power in the BDSM world, I'd highly recommend "The Control Book" by Peter Masters.  Oh, and another of my favorites: "Ties that Bind" by Guy Baldwin.

To see the top 100 BDSM books sold by Amazon, go to: http://www.bdsmbooklist.com/  

Three of my books are on that list, and one by my Owner.

I would also recommend that you do an Internet search using the term "BDSM" and the name of your city.  Chances are that there will be a BDSM club or two that you could look into.  The senior Doms and subs will be overjoyed to welcome you into our Community and help guide you in your growth.

Best wishes in Leather...