Expert: Eirene Nayar - 9/27/2009

Question
Dear Eirene,

   Thank you for taking the time to consider my questions.I am new to this lifestyle. I am very interested to get advice from someone who has a hands on practical hands on knowledge of things....I have done a lot of internet research as well as reading many books on the subject of BDSM. Knowledge of this if very important to me because from what I've read there are quite a few risks involved in it. I am primarily concerned about subdrops and the after effects of scenes. My partner and I do not live wish to live this lifestyle out side of our bedroom or other appropriate situation. I guess this is were my question comes in, and it's regarding breaking.....I have tried to read everything I can about this topic and there are SO many different views on it. Some people say that it is abusive and crosses lines that everything even in a S/D relationship should be mutual....that breaking someone goes contrary to being a responsible Dom. I love my partner very much and don't want to do anything that might be deemed abusive....But on the other hand I desire his submission, and willingness to serve me in an intense a manner as possible. Do you believe in "breaking" If so, what in your opinion is a good way to accomplish this? If not do you have any suggestions on ideas or scenes that would really strengthen this bond between me and my partner. Again I am very new to all of this....so any suggestions you can give me are soooo appreciated! I think it's so kind of you to take your time and help people in this way! I am also having trouble coming up with ideas of things to have my sub do for me even just mundane or simple suggestions in this area would be helpful.....thank you again!

Answer
Hello, thank you so much for the question.

In regards to sub drop...are you doing aftercare after intense scenes?  This helps greatly in preventing and or lessening the affects of sub drop.  Aftercare is when you take quiet time with the sub and processes what happened, good or bad.  The sub should be able to feel like they can speak freely without repercussions.  This can be just sitting quietly holding each other or cuddling.  Whatever the sub likes and needs to feel safe again.

You mention that you want deep submission yet you wish your interactions to remain in bedroom play.  In my opinion you can not have both.  Deep submission comes from an ongoing D/s relationship that expands to outside the limits of the bedroom.  With things like a set of strict rules on behavior with punishments in proportion to the infraction.  Also protocol like when and how to kneel to the Dom.  How is the sub to greet you, in private and public. How are they to address you in either of these instances?  To name just a few.

However, let me say again..bedroom play alone is just that...play, and will not give a Dom that wants real submission...real submission.

Has the sub done a BDSM checklist, there are many versions on the web.  This is very important in safe play and for an understanding of limits of the sub.  Soft limits can even be used for punishments when necessary.  This list can also give some good ideas for role play.

As for the idea of "breaking".  Breaking, breaks the spirit of the sub and i just don't ever think that is a good idea unless you prefer a potted plant type of a sub that has no will of their own..no thought that you don't give them.  A spirited lively sub that You have under your complete control is much more stimulating and fun.

As for what to do with the sub in the bedroom scenes its a bit more limited but sexual service of course.  Also discuss fantasies of yours and the subs and role play these.  Some male subs like the cock and ball torture games..not all of them so check in with your sub.  Then unlimited use of a flogger, blindfolds, cuffs, ropes..are also very fun.  The BDSM check list will help with this as well.

I do hope i helped you some with your question.

Have fun and stay safe.