Expert: Oscar G. - 9/12/2009

Question
Dear Sir,

I have been in the BDSM lifestyle for quite a number of years as a submissive. Only recently, when i met, dated and married the man i now call my husband, did I really feel comfortable telling him about my deeper sexual needs other than just the regular stuff. He is naturally a leader and has a strong mind, and I think he would make a wonderful Dom for me, but I dont quite know how to go about helping him learn. We have talked on multiple occasions about him learning the art of BDSM and he is very open to the idea, though hes never been an active participant in it.  Could you please give me some pointers on how to teach him to be a Dom? Is it even possible to teach someone that?

Thank you for your time,
Demonica

Answer
Dear Leah:

You have come across what could be called a point of debate among BDSM people. Are people naturally Doms or you can make them? Some people think no amount of training and insight could make a person a "True" dominant and they are just role playing and others think that with proper training and mental edification you can  mold great dominants And I think there is a bit of truth of each approach. I think you also feel that and you need help with the other part.

Some people would balk and scoff to a submissive telling any Dom what to do, because it would defeat the purpose or  by their definition you would be the one in charge directing or  doming from the bottom as  goes the parlance.  But it is not your job to teach him, you can point him out  to the path perhaps. Or even better entice him. Tell him your fantasies, your dark, but sensual situations you would love to be involved in.  Show him how by taking the mind the body follows. The best way to achieve that, I believe is sharing fantasies, you tell him yours BDSM style, go easy and romantic at first and see how he reacts. Eventually he will see your willingness and eagerness to do do what  HE wants. He will apply his creativity once he figures  sky is the limit and he discovers what activities within BDSM exists, and what suits  him best.
Besides  sharing fantasies, go to the bookstore. There is a plethora of great books on BDSM these days. Together you can find out the right level for him, but he is the one  doing the learning and reading, eventually the acting upon.  Also if you are lucky enough to live in a larger city with BDSM organizations, figure out their programs, seminars, speakers or classes.
Being a couple, you have the advantage of being able to demonstrate and practice on the spot sometimes. Also, if you can afford to be social in those same circles, you could see other Doms and subs in action and if you both feel attracted and aroused by the style or activities or certain Dom, strike a conversation and ask for pointers after they finish their play. They could point you out to their  source of learning or experience, or happily give you a demo or mini class.

Yes, one can learn. But you have to have it within you the desire to dominate and control (either for mutual pleasure or self satisfaction). So my advice is do not push him and make him do stuff. Just point out to the right doors for him to pass through. Juts be sure they are the doors both of you want, and that he is willing to do it. Not only for pleasing you, but so he can discover something about himself, and the power it brings to the relationship.

I hope this helps. Be well, Be safe and have fun.
Oscar G.