Expert: Robert Rubel - 9/9/2009

Question
I am the female submissive in a relationship. I am married to my master. When we first married everything was great, we were meeting each others needs. Then I became pregnant. He didn't want to "play" (for lack of another word) master any longer due to the fear of hurting the baby. The baby is now 9 almost 10. Rarely now will he put on his master hat. I recently tried talking to him. I tried explaining that I am a submissive. I get my greatest joys in life from making other people happy. His response was to tell me that I need to find some other way to be happy. What do I do now? Does this mean he is releasing me? I've tried asking him but he refuses to answer other than to say he really doesn't know.

Answer
Wow.  Tough question, tough situation.

Would you be willing to try "talking sticks?"  I use these with my slave when we have an emotional or a complex situation to deal with.

Here is an except from my book: "Master/slave Relations: Communications 401 -- the Advanced Class"  I think this is so important, that I also put it into the companion book, "Master/slave Relations: Solutions 401 -- Living in Harmony."

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This process is specifically designed as a conflict resolution method, little changed from Native American practices.  In my opinion, this is a very wise and easy process to use.

I like the idea of using talking sticks to work through everything from large problems to recurring upsets (I almost said skirmishes).  I’ve seen talking sticks used in real problem-solving meetings, and we’ve occasionally used them within our Family.  Either Master or slave may request a session.  Here’s the process:

•   The parties to the issue sit down — either on the floor or in chairs; it doesn’t matter.

•   The talking stick (that can be anything you can pick up and hold) is in the middle, often on something ceremonial (piece of leather…)

•   The person who asked for this meeting picks up the stick and talks until he/she is done.  

•   The talking stick is then placed back down between the speakers.

•   The stick is then picked up by another (or the other) party, who speaks until done.  The person holding the stick may not be interrupted.  

•   Again, the stick is placed back down between the speakers.

•   This goes on until the issue is resolved.  

Another Master, who used this system, explained that over the years it only became necessary to use talking sticks when both Master and slave were emotionally involved with an issue.  Otherwise, the person who was not emotionally plugged in could easily sit quietly while the other partner expressed his/her upset, and then respond without emotion.

While anything can be called a “talking stick,” we use a colorfully painted stick that I picked up in a Chinese import store some years ago.  Frankly, I’ve seen a pencil used, and I’ve seen a stone used.  

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My read on your personal situation is that you've grown in different directions.  You need different things out of your relationship.  I know many, many situations such as yours and either the Master or the slave negotiated with his/her partner to take on an outside relationship that would satisfy the need while keeping the marriage together.

I hope that you are able to do that, also.

In Leather Heart and Spirit...