Expert: Mistress Violette - 9/8/2009

Question
Hi,

To cut a long story short, I accidentally tripped over and fell into the world of BDSM after meeting a wonderful girl called Belle at a wedding. We hung out, made a real connection, and then made our seperate ways away, staying in contact through MSN. Gradually she introduced me to who she was, and what she liked, and I was drawn to fill the role to please her.

It has been a confusing and complex journey, but now we are very firmly commited to each other. For the most part, I understand exactly who she is, and what she wants, but there are still area's and sections of the business of being her dominant that leave me a little lost.

For example, I have no problem setting her rules, guidelines, providing her with advice, organising her life, and punishing her when she makes errors. She, in her charming fashion is always prompt with her punishments, and on the rare occasions where she might hestiate or protest, she is happily reminded of her place.

However, Belle is normally such a good girl that she sticks to her assigned tasks and guidelines near perfectly, and here comes the more difficult part.

For what Belle enjoys is typically being ordered to do things. For example the other day I ordered her to kneel on the floor and talk about why she chose me for three minutes. Immediately she complied with a smile. But it is those sort of orders, tasks that most people would find unplesent or pointless, but that do not serve or have their place as punishment, that I find hardest to give her.

What can one do over the internet, in means of ordering her to do small simple random tasks so that she can feel the joy of being commanded by me? Do I task her with her own unforgiving household chores? Make her kneel in the corner randomly? Write lines and essays? Is there more too it that I am somehow missing?

I would appreicate your help on any suggestions or advice you might have to a (well read and understanding, but very new) dominant to managing and keeping happy his online Submissive girl. The relationship will not remain online forever, she is moving to where I live within a few months, but until then I have to find ways to give her what she wants, and the ideas that come are ones that would really require her to be here for full affect.

Besides, when one tasks people with traditional punishment, it takes them away from the computer, which seems somewhat self defeating as it draws her away from me.

Many thanks,
James

Answer
Hello, James,

It seems to me that what Belle is trying to convey to you is she wants what any submissive wants, to please her dominant. You have to decide how she can accomplish that, which is often more difficult long distance than in person. For instance, face to face you might enjoy having your closet reorganized or having something read aloud to you. For now, you have to think of things equally pleasant for you that she can do from far away. If most of what you'd like done requires her physical presence you might have to resort to things that fall in the "make work" category. Since the situation is temporary, that's fine. Make sure what you have her do is interesting and satisfying to you, though, because her satisfaction comes from your satisfaction.

I'm not a big proponent of punishment. There's a difference between a mistake and willful disobedience. If a submissive misbehaves I suggest the dominant's first course of action be to find out why. Sometimes it's because the orders weren't clear or the sub misunderstood. I don't consider those situations to be offenses. If the behavior is willful disobedience, however; the best way to deal with that is having the submissive do something she doesn't like. For instance, a sub who hates to shop could be charged with finding a particular item for you and documenting the places she visited and choices she considered before deciding on the one she bought. You would also make clear that punishing her is no more fun for you than it is for her and you expect it not to happen again. Since Belle is good normally, you probably won't find yourself punishing too much, which is a lovely state of affairs.

Once you've established a BDSM relationship, it's not necessary for the BDSM to be either constant or overt. You don't need to spend the majority of your time together engaged in BDSM activities. You both should know that the control is there, even though it's not being actively exercised at the moment. By the same token, the control exists even when you're not together. Although the computer may be your primary mode of interaction, it's still just a tool. If you're worried about tasks that take her away from the computer, design them so she can do them during the time you wouldn't be interacting on the computer anyway.

In case you'd like to become even more well read, I'm going to suggest some of my favorite resources for learning about BDSM.

Links:
Although I don't agree with everything here, I haven't found a better and more comprehensive primer than this one:
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html

For additional information and different perspectives:
http://www.informedconsent.co.uk
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://www.domsubfriends.com/library/artofsm.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/

Books
I highly recommend this one to start - Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. It explains both the relationship aspects of BDSM as well as the technical ones.

You could probably get by with just reading that one but, if you find you're serious about BDSM, consider the following books:
Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame and Gloria Brame
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction  by Jay Wiseman
Ties That Bind: The SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style: Issues, Commentaries and Advice by Guy Baldwin and Joseph W. Bean
SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude--Principles, Skills and Tools  by Guy Baldwin

You and Belle are both lucky people and I wish you all the best.

Mistress Violette