Expert: Robert Rubel - 9/10/2009

Question
Hello,
I am a submissive female, married to a vanilla guy. In the time we have been together (over 5 years) I have been more dominant but I hate it. He is not interested in BDSM nor will he take control.

Is there anything that I can do to make him more interested so that I can feel more fulfilled?

Answer
Hi, Melissa...

I truly empathize.  I've actually been in your situation, but as the guy. I'm still very, very close to my second wife; we get together for lunch about once every couple of months.

Bottom line answer: if you've exposed him to the lifestyle and to some relevant books, you're not likely to change him, you can only choose to accept or change your own situation. What's more important over the long term, obtaining your own sense of inner fulfillment through submission or your marriage?  Overall, it's been my experience that once someone starts down the BDSM path, there's no return to Vanilla.  It's a one-way door.

There are a few options, of course.

First, you might help him to explore his own power orientation: switch or sub.  The book "How to Capture a Mistress" may help in that regard.  It's about how a submissive man can prepare himself for a Dominant woman.  (by Karen Martin)

Second, you might probe whether your husband would consider letting you have a relationship outside the marriage wherein you took a Dom or Master (you being either submissive or slave) to satisfy that aspect of your being?  Personally, I have an Owner and my Owner gave me a slave.  My Owner satisfies my intellectual needs while my slave satisfies my emotional/sexual needs.

Third, you might wish to do some introspection, perhaps with a senior submissive from your own community, about whether your need to have a Dom/Master is stronger/weaker than your need to remain with your husband.

I would normally recommend some books to expose him to the non-sado-masochism parts of this world (sensation play, top/bottom play, Master/slave relations).  If you wish those recommendations, just ask that in a follow-on question.

Just to orient you, I'm 64.

In Leather Heart and Spirit...