Expert: Robert Rubel - 9/18/2009

Question
I'm married.  My husband has a dominant personality, but it's been suppressed his entire life, thanks to an overbearing mother.  She has basically trained him to not be assertive in anything, even though it is evident that submissiveness is not a natural personality trait for him.  The problem for me is how can I 'deprogram' him, so to speak?  My need to serve and be owned is equal to his need to provide.  Because being submissive isn't a need he experiences, he doesn't understand it.  And since being dominant is something his mother has suppressed for so long, he's used to ignoring those urges.  How can I coax them out of him?  I know that it may be difficult to go from having to cater to your mother your whole life to being the master of your home, but no matter how intense our relationship gets, there must be a basic masculinity.  He defers to me for everything because he's used to it.  But his subconscious fights against him because those aren't natural actions but learned reactions from his childhood.  This results in mixed feelings...it's natural, but instead of dealing with the confusion and getting through it he just pushes his urges back down into the void where they've been suppressed for so long.  

My need to be submissive isn't something that I'm willing to forget or suppress...it's very intense and i HAVE to have it.  But he's my husband.  I guess we should have specifically discussed this before our marriage but he said he was a minister, so I thought male dominance wouldn't be an issue at all.  Do you have any suggestions?  I understand walking before you run, but we can't even do that.  I have to crawl...really, really slowly...it's so annoying!  At this rate, by the time he de-programs himself from his mom's 'all-women-are-perfect-all-the-time-and-you-should-always-make-me-happy' teachings, I'll be too old to have any damn fun!!  Help!

Answer
Lindsey,

First, I apologize for the delay in replying.  We live in Panama and I was away on a photo shoot in Costa Rica.  Back now.

Complex question.  Let me see whether I can tease it apart.

First, not all men are "manly men."  I'm not.  I don't even like being around high-testosterone men.  Next, while I'm a great follower, I'm not a great leader. This actually sounds something like your husband (By the way, I don't associate "dominance" with a minister, I associate "service and helpfulness".  Again, speaking of myself, while I can run a business or guide someone in their life (I own a slave), I'm not very good at being "Dommy."  That is, while I can map out the larger Path of Life and then make it happen, on a daily basis, I'm likely to ask my slave what she wants to do and then do it.  Said differently: I seek to serve.  Your husband, as a minister, is also likely to seek to serve.

Now, you open your letter by saying that he has a dominant personality, simply that it's suppressed.  Amazon has many books about developing "manliness."  In the BDSM Dom/sub arena, there is "The Control Book" by Peter Masters.  Also, he (or the two of you) can go through some workshops/courses that foster introspection (The Landmark Education Forum comes to mind) that can lead to a greater interest in taking charge of one's life.

If you have a communications problem -- a difficulty being clear with him what you need from the relationship -- I am the author of two books in that area, specifically written for Master/slave pairings.  They are: "Master/slave Relationships: Communications 401 -- The Advanced Course" and "Master/slave Relationships: Solutions 402 -- Living in Harmony."  These would help you to get on the same page of life.  Oh, and then there's the book: "When Someone You Know is Kinky."  Might that help?  Or "Partners in Power" or "Ties that Bind."  These are foundation reading, in my world.

If you husband and his mother are still physically close, or if he is speaking daily/weekly to her on the phone, I think you might want to consider marital counseling. I doubt that there's a quick fix.  I doubt that you can overcome her influence.

In the "radical suggestions" department, you could negotiate with your husband to look outside the marriage for a Dom/Master.  In our Lifestyle, this is not at all unusual.  I know any number of marriages where one partner is Vanilla and has permitted the spouse to have an outside partner to satisfy needs that the one partner couldn't fulfill.  Personally, my Owner gave me a slave to satisfy aspects of my personality that she (my Owner) was disinterested in addressing.  The three of us have been together over six years.

Feel free to ask follow-on questions.

(Oh, and I'm 64 and have been married twice).