Expert: Mistress Violette - 9/25/2009

Question
I'm not really sure if you're the right person to be asking, but here goes. I'd first like to mention that I'm 18 and I live in Canada (I know you're based in the US so I'm not sure if this is important or not, but just in case).

I have a friend and we have a sort of competition in which we banter back and forth to each other in an attempt to make the other person uncomfortable (sort of weird, but it makes all us and all our friends laugh), but this doesn't really have anything to do with him except that one day he brought up BDSM-like topics. I tend to do my research and this was no exception and so I began to study every facet of BDSM I had access to (though I was underage at the time so resources were understandably limited). However, what started out as research in order to 'one-up him' as it were, became something that grabbed my attention as something I might possibly be interested in.

After a bit of soul searching along with research I found that I tended to identify with the submissive side of things (which I will admit I was surprised about since most people say I am really hard on any guy who even talks to me). I kind of talked vaguely about it with a friend of mine who enjoys studying psychology (not mentioning BDSM, but just my reactions to guys) and they suggested that it had always seemed like a defence mechanism to protect myself from guys really getting to understand me (sort of how the bully bullies others because he/she is secretly insecure).

Due to these tendencies I've not had any experience with guys, but the only fantasies I've had involved this new found interest in submission (I suppose I was a bit of a late bloomer) and trying to force myself to have normal fantasies was about as successful as trying to force myself to have a crush (aka: not at all).

So my questions mostly are:
Is this normal? Am I too young to actually know what I want especially considering my lack of previous relationahips? Does this sound like a legitimate interest? (I have read that soemtimes you never know until you try it whether a person would actually suit it or whether it's just strange fantasies)

I certainly wouldn't want to be jumping into this right away especially considering my age, but (if I'm on the right track) would love to continue my research and hope you could steer me in the right direction. Also, I know I would want to eventually meet other people interested in this (though I'm quite shy) and was wondering if you could point me in the right direction. Currently I live in Victoria (BC), but will be moving to Halifax (Nova Scotia) next year and would aprreciate any pointers for both cities as I don't know when I would be ready to pursue this in reality.

Sorry if I've been talking excessively I tend to do that when I'm nervous. So, thanks again for any advice you can give me.

Answer
Hi, Kali,

It's nice to hear from someone who wants to make an informed decision. That's an attitude that will serve you well in whatever you select, BDSM or otherwise. Hang on to it.

I'm not sure what you're wondering is normal. For 10 to 20% of us, BDSM is normal. Many people don't understand that, done right, it's not abusive or an aberration, so there is a tendency to think there's something wrong with those of us who do it. That's lack of knowledge, not a fact. If you mean is it normal to be assertive in most things yet submissive in BDSM, that's not unusual.

I don't know that you're too young to know what you want but not having experience in vanilla relationships is something of a handicap. BDSM relationships work very much like vanilla ones but, if someone tries to learn how to do both at the same time, it could make things harder. It's not impossible but, if you proceed in BDSM without having much relationship experience, you need to remember you're learning two things at once and factor that into decisions you make.

This is at least an interest for you. Beyond that, it's hard to tell. In my experience, most BDSM people don't suddenly discover BDSM, they discover that people actually do some of these things they've been fantasizing about for a long time. Still, it that's most people and there are those who have the inclination but don't know about, or don't acknowledge the need, until something brings BDSM to their attention. As an aside, it's possible you haven't been comfortable forming relationships because you wanted power exchange relationships but weren't aware of that. I wouldn't get too bogged down in the whys, though. I think your plan to explore and then, maybe, experience is a good one.

One thing you can do as part of your research could also be useful when, or if, you decide to meet others in the community. That's join a group. I recommend one that meets offline and also has an online presence. That way, you can learn from others in a safe environment first and, when you're ready to take the next step, it will be with people you already "know." To find groups near you, do a search for BDSM support groups and keep an eye out for those in your area.

As you explore, keep in mind that most writers have a particular point of view that's right for them but not for everyone. Remember that there's no one right to do BDSM, so you can accept some ideas that feel right to you and reject those that don't. Also, I suggest you keep an open mind about your orientation. Some people still assume that a woman in BDSM is submissive and slant their information that way.

Here are some of my favorite resources for learning about BDSM.

Links:
Although I don't agree with everything here, I haven't found a better and more comprehensive site than this one, so start with:
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html

For additional information and different perspectives:
http://www.informedconsent.co.uk
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://www.domsubfriends.com/library/artofsm.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/

Books
I highly recommend this one to start - Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. It explains both the relationship aspects of BDSM as well as the technical ones.

You could probably get by with just reading that one but, if you find you're serious about BDSM, consider the following books:
Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame and Gloria Brame
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction  by Jay Wiseman
Ties That Bind: The SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style: Issues, Commentaries and Advice by Guy Baldwin and Joseph W. Bean
SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude--Principles, Skills and Tools  by Guy Baldwin

Regardless of what you decide, this should be at least an interesting experience. Good luck and have fun!

Mistress Violette