Expert: Lady Aryana - 9/7/2009

Question
Hi, I met a guy about 4 months ago who was looking for a BDSM relationship. He said he could be dom or sub but preferred to be a sub. Before me he had about 2 years experience (online play mostly but some offline). I explained that I was willing to try it out but was completely new to BDSM play. So far we've settled into a pretty good arrangement. He likes to roleplay as a cat and referrs to me as his mistress and himself as my pet (sometimes slave). However, I am having trouble figuring out if I'm fulfilling his needs and my own as well. One issue is that I told him when we started that I have submissive desires that I would like to experience. He has been dominant over me a couple of times and I really enjoyed it. He told me that since I'm new and he likes to play rough he isn't comfortable being a dom over me on a frequent basis. I also feel conflicted about acting as a domme towards him because I feel as though I'm doing what he wants to do and not always really feeling like I'm the one in control of the scene. He tells me he wants me to be more controlling and punish him more, but I'm at a loss as to how I can exert control over him when he can get away from me. I also wish that the rare times he was dom over me that he would treat me like I treat him, that is try to fulfill my desires and ensure that I have a good time. I know that I'm not being a "real" mistress because I allow him to control the scene and he almost always gets to have a sexual release (whereas when I'm being domme over him I don't order him to take care of me first and thus sometimes miss out). I'm just scared that I'm reaching a point where I can't progress as a domme anymore because of my unfulfilled submissive desires that aren't getting enough outlet and that he doesn't really want to be a sub to me in terms of putting my pleasure first. Or maybe he wants me to "force" him to be truly submissive? I would appreciate any help and input on this situation as I really like him and we have a good relationship with each other aside from play-time. We are living together and have pretty vanilla style sex about 65% of the time that we are intimate if that matters. Also, I do enjoy being dominant over him on the rare times when I really feel in control of what's happening as opposed to just doing what he tells me he wants to do.

Answer
Stoney,

Actually this is not out of the norm,, Let me suggest a few things for the both of you.....

The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance

The Art Of Sensual Female Dominance: A Guide for Women

The Compleat Slave: Creating And Living An Erotic Dominant/submissive Lifestyle  by Jack Rinella and Joseph W. Bean

Different Loving

The Loving Dominate

S&M 101

Also let me suggest a group that both you and your boyfriend.. It is real life Mistress and male slave relationships, you might just find others in your area which you can become friends with, or simply online friends, which you can find a mentor.

The longer you two are in this relationship the easier it will be for you, you simply needs to understand it takes time.

The group is http://www.mschristine.com/domestic.shtml

AS for the reversal of the roles, it may come down to you needing to find someone who you both trust where you can submit to, where you can release that Dom side every so often without it being a conflict between the two of you.. You will find when it comes to switching, that there is alot of couples who having a problem filling each others shoes, and one has to go outside of the relationship in order to get the needs met, you and your boyfriend may be one of these couples. If this is not a option for you, then I would suggest you find a mentor in the lifestyle who can help you figure out just what you both need and how you both can get your needs met without it interfering with each others roles.

I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond, I have been without internet, although I should be able to help you if you have anymore questions.

Good luck

Lady Aryana

Good luck and I hope things work out for you..